John - This is a fascinating piece, and no small part of the fascination is generated by the last line. I greatly prefer the original and the way it pulls the reader to consider who the speaker might be and the nature of the impetus for the creation of the narrative.
Your willingness to make changes in that line seems to say (to me, anyway) that you are looking for something that is not quite settled in your creation. It will be interesting to see how this might change for you in a year or so.
It's a first-class effort as it is.
JB
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