I had exactly the same problem as Julie with "our legs grew weary and light as dust." Additionally, I don't understand "by twisting our hips and leaning
forward from lane edge to lane edge." (On a more positive note, I love - and can sympathize with - "the pain that settled like old armor on top of our hips."
Interestingly, I think the poem presently works better for me if you simply eliminated lines 8 through 11. What remains is clear - but also duller. A rethink/rewrite of 8-11, as opposed to just cutting them, would really help the poem.
Last edited by Michael Cantor; 02-25-2024 at 10:45 AM.
|