[Carl Copeland]

A powerful poem, AZ, and the first I’ve ever read by Israel’s national poet. Here are my initial thoughts:

"Go, flee"? Not such as I do flee.

I don’t care for “do.” The archaism isn’t a problem for this poem, but it just seems so dispensable. At a minimum, I’d suggest “will.” You could also do something like “I’m not the kind to flee.”

For my flock taught me to walk slow.

I lost the meter here and was going to suggest “My flock has taught me,” but then I realized that you must be stressing “my.” Alexander Givental told me that cases like this are unambiguous in Russian: you simply follow the meter, here stressing “my.” In English, though, we’re encouraged to read naturally, and a natural reading is probably more likely to stress “flock.” I guess I still think it would be better to force the meter with “has taught me.”

BTW, “flock” is the right choice, I think. “Herd,” though appropriate for cattle, has unwanted connotations of the herd instinct. For that reason, among others, I prefer this version of S1 to the alternative.

Yours is the sin, the guilt for good.

I don’t think “for good” works. I first read it as “guilt for [doing] good” and only then considered the idiomatic sense (“forever”). For that reason, among others, I prefer the alternative version of this stanza, though I’d keep “found” in place of “had,” and I suggest taking “iniquity” from the crib for L2: “Was yours. Your own iniquity.”

My gear bound to my belt and back,

I prefer this version of S3, but it seems to me that “My tool belt bound around my back” would sound more natural for L2. Update: Not sure I agree with myself anymore. I was thinking of “(lower) back” as equivalent to “waist.” Does that work? Maybe not.

Allied with sycamores I'll stay.

This version of S4 ends very strongly, so I prefer it, but it is a pity to lose the biblical concept of “covenant” in L2. You might still be able to do something with “pact” instead of “allied.”

Thanks for the notes and recording too. I’m fascinated.