William Shakespeare (including the one mentioned by Julie)
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Wet, dismal, dreary, cold, depressing, grey.
When my love swears that she is made of truth,
I tell her that the fairies took my tooth.
How oft when thou, my music, music play'st,
It’s filthy rap - you have appalling taste.
O! how I faint when I of you do write
With curlers in your hair - a gruesome sight.
I never saw that you did painting need,
Although a facelift’s overdue indeed.
O! how much more doth beauty beauteous seem
With frequent use of anti-wrinkle cream.
As fast as thou shalt wane, so fast thou grow'st;
You diet, then you gorge on buttered toast.
Those lips that Love's own hand did make
Drool as you stuff your mouth with cake.
In faith I do not love thee with mine eyes,
But with my stomach - thanks for all the pies.
To me, fair friend, you never can be old -
You’re well embalmed, though showing signs of mould.
If thou survive my well‑contented day,
I didn’t hold the pillow all the way.
In the old age black was not counted fair,
But now, “politically correct” has got us there.
They that have power to hurt, and will do none,
Have much to learn from Attila the Hun.
Those parts of thee that the world's eye doth view
Are fine; the other parts are tempting, too.
Mine eye and heart are at a mortal war;
I love my wife, but fancy you much more.
In loving thee thou know'st I am forsworn -
I’d promised “No more call-girls who do porn!”
Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,
I’m coming, baby ‑ here’s the tidal bore!
Not from the stars do I my judgement pluck;
But when I’m judging contests, starlets fuck.
Sweet love, renew thy force; be it not said
That you gave up halfway while giving head.
Double, double, toil and trouble -
Shaving’s hell, I’ll keep the stubble.
Full fathom five thy father lies;
A diver shouldn’t eat pork pies.
Where the bee sucks, there suck I;
Fellating flowers is worth a try.
O that this too, too solid flesh would melt!
It's all that ham I've let under my belt.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow -
Nothing on telly but reruns of "Zorro".
Who will believe my verse, in time to come,
Was used for something so completely dumb?
********
Andrew Marvell
The grave's a fine and private place;
Let's ditch the corpse and do it, Grace.
John Dryden
All human things are subject to decay;
I need a dentist ... but some other day.
William Blake
I was angry with my friend;
I poisoned him, and that’s the end.
John Keats
My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My gums - that blasted dentist’s lidocaines.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge
In Xanadu did Kubla Khan .....
That pest from Porlock’s here! Oh, darn!
It is an ancient mariner, and he stoppeth one of three,
But the wedding‑guest is rather pressed ‑ he's dying for a pee.
William Wordsworth
She dwelt among the untrodden ways, beside the springs of Dove,
Accosting any gent who pays: "Fancy a quickie, Guv?"
Charles Wolfe
Not a drum was heard, not a funeral note,
For we cheered his demise, the repellent old goat.
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