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Unread 05-01-2012, 08:27 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: New York
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That's merely a trochaic substitution, Skip.

I agree this is fine work. I could wish the one imperfect rhyme were made perfect, I suppose, though it's not a big deal.

What I find slightly annoying about the poem (though I don't think it's a flaw in the poem per se) is the same thing I find annoying in the popular song where the singer tells his/her lover that he/she has flown higher than an eagle only because "you are the wind beneath my wings." To me it's a bit annoying to assign oneself the role of successful flyer/dancer and to praise one's love for making it all possible. Most of us would rather be the eagle and let someone else be the wind beneath our wings, and most of us would rather be the dancer than the floorboards beneath the dancer.

The "I" here only shows up in the first line, so I'm wondering if the line could be rewritten in a more reciprocal way to suggest that each of the lovers is both dancer and floorboard.

But kudos for the extended metaphor, which I think is well done.
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