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  #11  
Old 04-28-2012, 07:00 PM
Vernon Sims Vernon Sims is offline
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I applaud the originality of this one. Love is a common subject for the sonnet, but is is fresh and lively in this one. This is a strong contender.
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  #12  
Old 04-28-2012, 09:22 PM
Jean L. Kreiling Jean L. Kreiling is offline
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I find this appealing in a number of ways; I especially like the idea in the first few lines, and later, the ocean's big, heaving, but non-wild breaths, which we feel as much as see. But I found myself wishing that the focus on touch (introduced at the start) had remained the focus; I didn't quite follow the shift to sound (with the "singers"). In the penultimate line, "windily and wild" works as music, but is grammatically quirky. Still, this casts a spell, as fine poetry does.

Best,
Jean
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  #13  
Old 04-29-2012, 07:44 AM
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Marybeth Rua-Larsen Marybeth Rua-Larsen is offline
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My favorite so far. I'm won over by its exuberance, its breathlessness, its depiction of love in its best, child-like sense -- open-armed and accepting of its vastness. I rarely try and write a sonnet about this kind of love, which is so difficult to pull off, and it makes me all the more enamored of it.

Marybeth
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  #14  
Old 04-29-2012, 02:11 PM
conny conny is offline
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I love the octet, but some of the sestet is driven by the need to
rhyme i think. fingers/singers seems a clunk to me but i'm sure lots
will love it.

+line 4/5 doesn't seem to make much sense to me. The ocean
and the close are lovely though.
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  #15  
Old 04-29-2012, 03:33 PM
Brian Watson Brian Watson is offline
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Perhaps because of the proximity of fingers & song, I initially thought I fumble keys in darkness meant she was sitting at a piano in the dark. Rather than causing a stumble, the misread, immediately corrected by the next line, only added to the delight of the poem. The ambiguity doesn't entirely disappear on re-reading, and I fumble keys in darkness retains a metaphysical flavour...

Anyway, my favourite so far.
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  #16  
Old 04-29-2012, 03:51 PM
S. A. Wyatt S. A. Wyatt is offline
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I like this poem best so far.

The phrase "seething blackness" is a good description of the ocean, and L10 is very beautiful.

I'm OK with 'fingers' and 'singers' not exactly rhyming due to the difficulty and mastery of everything else in the poem. In particular, the enjambment is amazing, and the run-on feel of the sentences really sets you up for the ocean at the end.

Do we get to guess who wrote these at some point in time? If not, I need to keep score on my own.
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  #17  
Old 04-29-2012, 04:08 PM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is online now
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I've read this poem several times over and my initial reaction was, "How nice!" Some nice metaphors, a terrific ending. But after a few reads, the weaknesses became apparent. David put it exactly as I would: it seems like a draft (for now), albeit a very good one. But with some revision it has the potential to be spectacular.

Last edited by Catherine Chandler; 04-29-2012 at 04:51 PM. Reason: superfluous verb!
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  #18  
Old 04-29-2012, 04:16 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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I'm positively steeling myself against that 'This is my favourite one so far' feeling that several people have mentioned, regarding all of the sonnets!

I've decided to adopt this approach (which I haven't done before): Every day I'm putting the poems into a Word file, where I can read them over and over when they're all there.

Oh boy! Then the hard part will come in!

In this one, I'm not too keen on the metaphor 'that people are the fingers of God', but like the poem overall. I'm also unsure about the last line:

Tonight it whispers "Shush", it whispers "Child."

Is the ocean whispering, "Shush, child" or "Shush" and then "Child"? The latter doesn't make a lot of sense, so why separate the two words - apart from for the purpose of fitting the rhyme and meter? That's my main concern.

Jayne
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  #19  
Old 04-29-2012, 04:56 PM
Cally Conan-Davies Cally Conan-Davies is offline
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I simply don't have time to participate in the Bake-off this year, sadly, but in these last few minutes I've had free, I've scooted through the poems posted so far, and thought I might quickly mention that I'm puzzled by the reaction to this particular sonnet. I feel, as Cathy does, its apparent weaknesses. It's odd, but somehow it doesn't feel musical/metrical, the imagery doesn't seem to cohere, the enjambments feel unnatural, somehow, and I don't read love in it. I feel I must be missing something others are seeing...
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  #20  
Old 04-29-2012, 05:04 PM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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... and I wouldn't mind betting that, with all the mention of the ocean etc, some people might have thought this was yours, Cally.

If that was the case, you've just put paid to that notion!

Jayne
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