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  #51  
Unread 05-15-2014, 03:54 PM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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Nope. No rule. Just how I feel reading this poem, given cadences of the previous lines. Matter of taste, not rules. Bad enjambment is a subjective call. I've brushed it off or executed corrections here on such calls many times.
RM
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  #52  
Unread 05-15-2014, 04:04 PM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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I agree it's a subjective call, but I think the issue isn't so much ending the line on an adjective, but dividing the adjective/noun pair over two lines. "My little horse must think it queer" is fine, but "queer" isn't left hanging until the next line when we find out what "queer" modifies.
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  #53  
Unread 05-15-2014, 04:10 PM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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I agree. It isn't about it being an adjective simply. It's a case where the break between the adjective and noun makes for a bad enjambment.

RM
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  #54  
Unread 05-15-2014, 08:54 PM
Charlie Southerland Charlie Southerland is offline
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Roger, what I meant was the writer usually gives great thought about his rhyme choices. If he doesn't, he is either lazy of incompetent. It isn't necessary to highlight a rhyming pair at cliffs end, but surely the writer of this poem chose carefully or it wouldn't be the sonnet that it is. It is not by accident generally speaking. Sometimes vocabulary is most important when thought is flowing along. Sometimes my rhymes suck and hopefully I'm called on it. Other times, my vocabulary clicks and makes the writing work.

In the case of this poem, the rhymes (as Mary says) break oddly which also leads to Ross' conclusion. It is like walking to a corner and looking around it to see if you are going to bump into someone. Metrically, it is a hitch in the giddy-up. It isn't wrong exactly, it's just strange. I don't think we are in too much disagreement here. I also agree with Ross about the musicality of a sonnet. If it doesn't sing, I think it fails. All too often here at the Sphere, technicality is preached which makes for boring and unmemorable work. Clever does not always carry the day. I posted a boring piece recently and was told so. I slunk back to my den and sucked my thumb for a few days curled up in a fetal position.

There were 150 sonnets submitted and I guarantee you that many of us thought our sonnets superior to some chosen here. This was great fun to me. I love to compete.

I still think this one will win but there are some others to really give another look see.
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  #55  
Unread 05-15-2014, 10:15 PM
ross hamilton hill ross hamilton hill is offline
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I'd replace apart with below, ie below the waterline and then the sextet is fine. I think this is a wonderful sonnet despite my other comments, gets my vote.
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  #56  
Unread 05-16-2014, 02:53 AM
Paul Connolly Paul Connolly is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Top Secret DG View Post



But if you knew what this trip held in store,
would you still see the beauty of the moon?—


The narrator . . . asks if the traveler would see this beauty if he "knew what this trip held in store?"
Actually the narrator asks would the passenger still see the beauty, and that's my one quibble with this otherwise fine poem.

The passenger doesn't seem to be aware of any beauty. He is going about his business, noting simply that it's cold.

I think this would work better for me:

But if you knew what this trip held in store,
would you then see the beauty of the moon?—


I.e., would the knowledge of death's imminence make you aware of the beauty that's around you?

(I think Roger Slater was onto something like this back in comment #9... )

Last edited by Paul Connolly; 05-16-2014 at 03:17 AM.
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