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  #31  
Unread 05-11-2014, 02:56 PM
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Gail White Gail White is offline
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I love the final line of this. Almost as though the woman he loves is waiting for him somewhere beyond death. Despite some technical problems, this may be my favorite so far.
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  #32  
Unread 05-11-2014, 03:10 PM
Barbara Loots Barbara Loots is offline
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I'm impressed by the drama, and the amount of information, compressed into something like a sonnet. The break helped me work out the story. But I confess that I picked up on clues provided by other commenters, or I might not have gone to the trouble.

I have to admire the writer for framing a sad story without a shred of sentimentality.
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  #33  
Unread 05-11-2014, 04:58 PM
Jean L. Kreiling Jean L. Kreiling is offline
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I love the ideas and images in this one, and I agree with the comment that its avoidance of sentimentality is admirable. I wish it were a little more polished technically; some have suggested that the bumpiness is intentional--part of the story--but it the effect doesn't quite work for me.

jlk
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  #34  
Unread 05-12-2014, 06:59 AM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is offline
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So far this is my favorite.

I think an em-dash would be better than a hyphen at the end of line 11.

There are too many "she's" (4) in the sestet.

Where I come from we say we wait for our chance to .... (line 13)

I think the "He has to go" isn't needed in line 14. Maybe something like:

xX is waiting for him through the storm.

Lots of potential here.
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  #35  
Unread 05-12-2014, 10:14 AM
Elise Hempel Elise Hempel is offline
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I realize that we won't all agree on what's good and what's bad, but "Lots of potential here" sounds like something you'd hear at a workshop. And so far that's Catherine's favorite. Where are the impressive polished sonnets we were supposed to be getting this time around, some of them already having been published?

Last edited by Elise Hempel; 05-12-2014 at 10:42 AM.
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  #36  
Unread 05-12-2014, 10:50 AM
Brian Watson Brian Watson is offline
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Back to the feet -- where I volunteered there was a strict rule that patients' feet must be secured on the footrests before wheeling them. Perhaps staff were allowed to use their judgment and wheel cooperative and alert patients short distances without the footrests. But I wince at the thought of anyone wheeling a patient who was dragging his feet in resistance -- you could so easily twist his ankle. So the line strikes me as implausible if literal and infelicitous if figurative.

But anyway. On the whole I like it.
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  #37  
Unread 05-12-2014, 03:28 PM
stephenspower stephenspower is offline
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I'm willing to be corrected, but would deer be running around in shifting snow? That line and its jerkiness really pulled me out of the poem, and I can't say I cared for it until I read all the comments. Now I kind of like it. I guess I'm too literal minded. The line about his wife being too old to be his wife: that's the best of the first four sonnets.
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  #38  
Unread 05-13-2014, 10:56 AM
Christine Whittemore Christine Whittemore is offline
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I too found the jerkiness of the meter and especially the break at "wait-" too much even if reflective of the poem's subject. lightly hackeneyed subject, yes--but then there's nothing new under the sun, and this could have been a more successful, somewhat fresher take on it if more technically adept.

....I liked the "drag his feet" bit as I thought it was both literal and symbolic...didn't think about the safelty rule issue though.

For me too, it's dementia, and of course that old lady is his real and original wife--but in his own head he is still young...

Still waiting to be wowed, but I always think it sounds horrid when other people say that.....!
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  #39  
Unread 05-15-2014, 08:13 PM
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Rick Mullin Rick Mullin is offline
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This is difficult to read, but worth the effort. Michael Cantor is right. We see who and where he is when we see him in his wheelchair in the institutional hall.

The longer lines at the end are kind of art mirroring art. In a good way.

RM
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  #40  
Unread 05-21-2014, 05:21 PM
L.M. Price L.M. Price is offline
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Thanks, everyone, for your comments. To answer a few things along the way:

I have seen deer out in the snow, and I wasn't picturing a full-on blizzard. Sometimes here, there won't actually be a storm at the time, but the wind will blow ground-snow across the road until you can't see the pavement, and clouds come down and obliterate the rest of the landscape.

About the footrest rule, I have no idea about the rules at nursing homes. I have seen residents who have no footrests at all and kind of paddle themselves along by walking with their feet. That's sort of what I was picturing.

And I apologize for boring those who have seen too many nursing home poems! I've been trying to write this particular one for a couple of years now, and only recently, when I decided to give it a try as a sonnet, has it started working. I didn't know there was a glut of them out there.

I appreciate hearing from everyone what worked for them and what didn't. Thanks again.
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