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  #11  
Old 08-12-2017, 10:39 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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I'm working very hard not to like this despite its form. The one thing that gives me hope of succeeding is the last line of the latest version, where the fucking duplication is a let-down. How you could manage to better that line I don't know. I'm sure you can, however.

Last edited by Allen Tice; 08-13-2017 at 08:40 AM. Reason: hopeless tiny iPod screen and keys
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  #12  
Old 08-12-2017, 10:48 PM
VictoriaGaile VictoriaGaile is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Allen Tice View Post
I'm working very hard not to like this despite its form. The one thing that gives me of succeeding is the last line of the latest version, where the fucking duplication is a let-down.
Come to think of it, that bothered me, too, because the point surely is that the neighbor was spying on _other_ people fucking.

What about "My pervert neighbor"? Or is that too blunt?
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  #13  
Old 08-12-2017, 11:22 PM
Michael Cantor Michael Cantor is offline
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Victoria and Allen (you're almost a Royal couple) it's late, and I'll get back to you and Daniel in more detail tomorrow, but you've given me some inspiration. I had mixed reactions to the fucking duplication as well - it's funny, but it's almost too easy and predictable - and I wasn't sure that the neighbor's sleaziness/hints of blackmail would come through, or that anybody else would follow that arrival/come path - but Victoria has given me hope for humanity. Welcome back, Victoria. And, it that's coming across, howzabout this for a last line:

My sleazebag neighbor loves his fucking drone.

Dunno. Now that I look at it in type, maybe the existing approach works better, even if it is repetitive.
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  #14  
Old 08-13-2017, 04:46 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is online now
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Hi Michael,

Yes this is pretty funny. And creepily well done. A new, cruel and unusual suburban nightmare!

In the latest version I was a bit thrown by:

It signals his arrival and I moan.
“I download them directly to my phone –


because It sounded to me like the N was speaking ('moaning') the dialogue part.

Also, how about

'My fucking neighbour fucking loves his drone'

for a last line. Strikes me as funny!

Last edited by Mark McDonnell; 08-13-2017 at 10:34 AM.
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  #15  
Old 08-13-2017, 04:58 AM
Brian Allgar Brian Allgar is offline
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Michael, here's my searching, thoughtful and comprehensive four-word crit: It made me laugh!

(And I think the fucking build-up to the last fucking line is splendid.)
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  #16  
Old 08-13-2017, 08:46 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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I think Mark's suggestion dashes (a bit) my hopes of disliking this. But where there's a will, there's still hope.
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  #17  
Old 08-13-2017, 10:17 AM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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Swotting away at "epano-tmesis" might give you hope, and thereby depress me further.
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  #18  
Old 08-13-2017, 10:30 AM
Mark McDonnell Mark McDonnell is online now
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Quote:
I think Mark's suggestion dashes (a bit) my hopes of disliking this.
Hi Allen,

I'm reading this as a thumbs-up for my suggestion, but your wording is sufficiently knotty for me to be wrong. Either way, my suggestion is fan-fucking-tastic!
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  #19  
Old 08-13-2017, 01:57 PM
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Allen Tice Allen Tice is offline
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No, you are modest. It is an unbefuckinglievably nice thought.
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  #20  
Old 08-13-2017, 07:05 PM
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Aaron Novick Aaron Novick is offline
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Michael, I think Mark's suggestion for the last line is good. "My fucking neighbor loves his fucking drone" is predictable (and you've already used "fucking drone" earlier), whereas "fucking loves" is more unexpected, and funnier. It also enriches the ending in another way, I think: the poem becomes not a mere complaint about the neighbor, but also has a level of amazement/admiration: holy shit, he really does love that drone. That's there somewhat in the rest of the poem; this would bring it out at the end. (Without losing any of the sense that he's a fucking nuisance about it.)

In S2, I think the drone should sigh in just about any way other than "delicately."
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