[Jayne Osborn]

Now this is more like it.
I love shoes, but daren't tell you how many pairs I own!
I see they've now dropped the fax number for submissions (did anyone actually ever send their entries that way... or by carrier pigeon, perhaps?? )

Jayne


Competition No 187
by Tessa Castro

Some people can’t get enough of them; others hate the whole process of buying and breaking them in.
A poem called ‘New Shoes’, please. Maximum 16 lines.

Entries, by post (The Oldie, 65 Newman Street, London W1T 3EG) or by email comps@theoldie.co.uk
to: Competition No. 187 by 6th March. Don’t forget to include your postal address.

[Rob Stuart]

If I seem quick off the mark it's because I sneaked a peak at the new Oldie in Smiths earlier.


You’re feeling depressed after watching the news;
There’s no reconciling the Arabs and Jews.
They both have intractable, dogmatic views.
What is to be done? Buy a new pair of shoes.

Your son’s mugging tramps for a swig of cheap booze,
Your daughter’s resplendent in facial tattoos,
Your missus is now taking lovers in twos.
You know what you need? Why, a new pair of shoes.

You’re no longer free to pay visits to zoos
(They found you at Whipsnade without any trews,
Molesting unfortunate bush kangaroos),
But who can deny you a new pair of shoes?

Get flip-flops for comfort or clogs to amuse,
Get wellies or army boots, brogues, Jimmy Choos.
There’s nothing like footwear for beating the blues,
So cheer yourself up with a new pair of shoes.

[Jayne Osborn]

Nice one, Rob!

I frequently cheer myself up with a new pair of shoes

Jayne

[John Whitworth]

The Oldie did this one four years ago. Unaccountably I failed to win. I shall try the same verse again and trust Tessa has forgotten. Oldie quiz indeed. Do they suppose we are weak-witted as well as old. Pshaw!

[Jayne Osborn]

I thought it seemed familiar, John.

And just in case anyone's not sure what John means by:

Oldie quiz indeed. Do they suppose we are weak-witted as well as old. Pshaw!

it's a reference to my rant on "The Oldie Desert Island Diary results" thread, here.

Jayne

[Jerome Betts]

It was No 147, 40 comps ago, in Jan-Feb 2012. Tempted to resubmit 8 of the 16 lines that didn't make it that time, in view of the reduction in space and Tessa's senior moment. I hope she's not fighting a vicious turf war under the new regime.

[Brian Allgar]

We may be seeing one of the last competitions before it's all replaced by 'spot the difference' pictures.

[Nicholas Stone]

"They both have intractable, dogmatic views."

Mightn't "differing" both a) scan better than "dogmatic" and b) not be as condemnatory and broad-brush, Rob?

The Arabs who live within Israel also tend to be fairly well "reconciled" with the Jews, but this is a lesser point...

I only mention this because these two lines seem to mar an otherwise good poem with politics.

[Rob Stuart]

Dunno, Nicholas. 'Differing' hardly seems strong enough a word to describe decades of mutual hostility. Anyway, I'm hardly trying to make a political point here, I'm just looking for an excuse to make feeble jokes out of contrived rhymes. Although if I were trying to make a political point, I'd be more than happy to strike a condemnatory note.

I shall ponder, though.

[John Whitworth]

I think you've got a goodie there, Rob.

Your daughter is covered in facial tattoos? plastered?

Doing horrible things to the bush kangaroos?

The definit article in front of Arabs is only there for the metre. I can't work out how to mend it though.