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Unread 09-09-2010, 02:31 AM
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Default Competition: Grimm Revision

Competition No. 2663: Grimm revision
Lucy Vickery
Wednesday, 8th September 2010
Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition
In Competition No. 2663 you were invited to submit a politically correct version of a well-known fairy tale.
The inspiration for this challenge was Politically Correct Bedtime Stories: Modern Tales for Our Life and Times by James Finn Garner, who recasts favourite yarns to take account of modern political sensibilities. In Garner’s PC world, witches are ‘kindness impaired’ and Cinderella wears a robe ‘woven from silk stolen from unsuspecting silkworms’. Bill Greenwell pockets the extra fiver this week. His fellow winners, printed below, get £30 apiece. Honourable mentions go to G.M. Davis, Robert Schechter, Gillian Ewing and Marion Shore.

An omnivorous, optically-challenged wiccan appropriates two pre-pubescent and differently-gendered siblings whose adoptive mother and natural father, themselves victims of a recession, have allegedly relinquished their custodial responsibilities. The siblings, exercising their right to roam, have nonetheless invaded the personal space of the wiccan, and defied national advisory consumption guidelines relating to body-mass index by eating her dwelling-house, which is biodegradable but high in fat content. She in turn force-feeds the male child, contrary to the spirit of Regulation Nf 1538/91 of the European Commission (June 1991), and employs the female child as a service operative, contrary to both EU directive 94/33/EC and the Children and Young Persons Act 1933. The children perform person-slaughter upon the wiccan, and do not adequately dispose of the cremains. They also appropriate valuables, contrary to The Treasure Act of 1996. After returning to their father’s domicile, they live happily for an indeterminate subsequent period.
Bill Greenwell

Three anthropomorphic creatures lived together as a nuclear family — Mother, Father, and non-gender-specific Baby. They ate a healthy high-fibre diet, rich in oats to reduce cholesterol, and always undertook a circulation-boosting walk while their porage reached the appropriate temperature. A juvenile person, who cannot be named for legal reasons, whose hair had only low levels of eumelanin, entered the house without their permission. She tasted each bowl of porage, finding the smallest bowl to her taste. She then sat in each chair, and finally went to sleep in the smallest bed. When the anthropomorphic creatures returned, the youngest member of the household displayed his developing intelligence by observing that his bowl was empty, and that there was an unknown person in his bed. The person leapt up and left the house. The creatures decided she was homeless and regretted they could not offer additional assistance.
D.A. Prince

When Hansel and Gretel overhear their arboreal abridgement technician father and selfcentric stepmother planning to liberate them from patriarchal hierarchy through an Independence enforcement strategy in nearby woods, Hansel collects recyclable breadcrumbs to signpost a return path. But when birds reassign the breadcrumbs from navigational to nutritional functionality, the children experience geographical and existential dislocation until they seek asylum at a confectionery-themed facility managed by a visually challenged Wiccan woman of unorthodox societal outlook. Reinforcing traditional gender stereotypes, the Wiccan indoctrinates Gretel into the role of domestic enabler and enforces Hansel’s sloth through simultaneous circumscription of his physical freedoms and an adipose-rich diet. When Hansel and Gretel have their consciousness raised sufficiently to appreciate that the Wiccan intends to consume them, they deploy a conflict resolution strategy, enabling her to experience victimhood. The children redistribute the Wiccan’s wealth to their Father at a subsequent Truth and Reconciliation Hearing.
Adrian Fry

Once upon a time there lived a female person known because of her appearance as Caucasian Complexion, who was (rightly or wrongly) judged to be more photogenic than her father’s second partner. Following domestic friction, Caucasian Complexion moved from the family home to some sustainable managed woodlands, where she joined a gay eco-commune of seven persons, none of whom was excessively tall. Her stepmother, suffering from low self-esteem, disguised herself as a senior citizen and gave Caucasian Complexion an apple injected with a class A restricted substance. Caucasian Complexion bit into it and became comatose. The members of the commune placed her into a transparent recovery-station. A qualified person ameliorated her condition, subsequently establishing with her a permanent meaningful relationship. The stepmother was given an ASBO and instructed to take anger management classes. If you have been affected by issues raised in this fairy tale, ring the helpline.
Brian Murdoch

Three little piggies built houses, each one using different building materials. A council officer served enforcement notices on all of them, and the piggies went to Court. Two of the notices were upheld and two houses had to be demolished because they used poor building materials and didn’t meet environmental standards. However, notwithstanding all the huffing and puffing of the Council’s lawyer, Mr Wolf, the judge was not persuaded that the last piggy’s house was unsound, being well constructed of brick. She ruled that the house should remain. Its owner invited the other two piggies to live with him and everyone, except Mr Wolf, lived happily ever after.
Mark Ambrose
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Unread 09-09-2010, 07:35 AM
Orwn Acra Orwn Acra is offline
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These results get more frustrating every week.
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Unread 09-09-2010, 08:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orwn Acra View Post
These results get more frustrating every week.
Ain't it the truth.
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Unread 09-09-2010, 09:03 AM
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Jayne Osborn Jayne Osborn is offline
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How do you mean, Gail and Walter? Are you entering every week but not getting anywhere? Plenty of spherians do well with The Speccie - congratulations to Bill, Bob and Marion btw - but you have to remember there are only four prizes on average, and the competition's tough! Don't be disheartened (my apologies if you meant 'frustrating' in some other way).
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Unread 09-09-2010, 10:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayne Osborn View Post
(my apologies if you meant 'frustrating' in some other way).
No, Jayn, I mean frustrating in that it's so hard to win, but I didn't mean to complain, just to comment on the stiff competition. The contests are fun and I get enough encouragement to keep trying...
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Unread 09-14-2010, 10:07 AM
Orwn Acra Orwn Acra is offline
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Jayne, it's just that sometimes you think you've really nailed it and then you find out it was not to be. Frustrating, I'd say.
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Unread 09-14-2010, 11:41 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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Jayne, there are actually just three spots if you factor in the inevitability of Bill and/or Bazza occupying at least one of the four, with people like Chris prepared to step in if either one of them should sustain an injury. And the odds are even tougher for Americans with little sense of British culture, politics, rhymes, or social phenomena. It's gotten so bad, I actually welcomed the generic honorable mention my five entries collectively garnered, though I believe it was just pity.
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Unread 09-14-2010, 11:58 AM
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John Whitworth John Whitworth is offline
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You have to realise that Bil's been doing it for thirty years. I don't know how long Bazza's been at it. I win more often now than I did when I started a few years ago. You get better. It's true that quite a few competitions are slanted in favour of Brits, but not ALL of them. And there are some bloody good Spherians. I think of Frank, for instance. How many times have you won, Frank? And of course the redoubtable Chris O'Carroll isn't Brit, is he?

Some of my best efforts (according to me) have not won any money, but I HAVE placed them elsewhere in po mags. Anybody else had that experience? Keep on sending the stuff out, I say And sometimes an Oldie loser might turn out later to be a Speccie winner. And now the Staggers is in on the action too. Hell, we must keep on trucking - if trucking is what you keep on doing.
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Unread 09-14-2010, 12:35 PM
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Wrong question. Different contest.

Last edited by Don Jones; 09-14-2010 at 12:45 PM.
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Unread 09-14-2010, 12:37 PM
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A few of my pieces that didn't make the grade in the Comps have been accepted by Light. So there is life after Speccie rejection. (although not neccessarily fivers).

Orwn, for what it's worth I thought your CaucasianLocks was hilarious.

Last edited by Marion Shore; 09-14-2010 at 12:41 PM.
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