[Marion Shore]

I find this poem very beautiful and compelling. The contrast between the images of the fragile, delicate butterflies and the fierce, predatory eagles is powerful and moving. This is one of those deceptively simple pieces where the translator often feels tempted to eschoue a strictly "literal" translation. But in this case, I think the translation would benefit greatly by adhering more closely to both the sound and meaning of the original.

L1-2 Firstly, I think the translator should keep the long, flowing, regular lines of the original. Take the first line of the translation – "My skin teems with butterflies." The shortened line loses the flowing gracefulness of the original, whose sound is inextricably connected with the movement of the butterflies, as well as the alliteration of the "f" sounds, which also serves to suggest that fluttering movement. And the cool thing is, you can do the same thing in English! So why not take the freebie, if you can get it?
And I think "teems” is absolutely the wrong word here as it has a rather negative connotation -- you think of "a teeming tenement” or "teeming with roaches" (yuck!) – Certainly not butterflies.

So, how about something like

"My skin is full of butterflies, with fluttering wings –
they flutter out across the meadows and feast on honey..
(I prefer honey, as in the original, to nectar, which sounds self-consciously poetic to me.)

L3 – I don't like "dismal" – it's a rather heavy word for butterflies, who, even in death, are light and delicate.

L5 – I would take out "itself" which is not necessary and makes the line drag on too long.

L6 – I would take out "bone's" – you don't need it.

L7 - "sea eagles" sounds a little strange to my ear. How about "sea hawks"?

L8 - "ponderous" – too ponderous! I'd stay with "heavily.

L9-10 - why not keep these lines as questions?

L10- "gold-gleaming" - a little too Beowulf? Yellow eyes are much more effective.

L11 – "The cave is sealed" is too melodramatic. I think "The cave is closed" sounds more natural, and also has a nice alliteration.

L12-13 For me L11 is the climax of the poem, which is emphasized by its shortness. But the translator has also shortened L12, which diminishes the impact of the abruptness of the cry in L11. L12 is especially problematic. "Cellar sprouts" just doesn't function as a compound in English, so I think you have to take the long cut and say "sprouts in a cellar”. And, again, the last line needs to be short, to maintain the powerful cadence at the end of the poem.

Overall, I see this translation as a good draft, which can be tightened up to more closely captured the sound and meaning of the original. And that's half the battle!

[Seree Zohar]

"
And I think "teems” is absolutely the wrong word here as it has a rather negative connotation -- you think of "a teeming tenement” or "teeming with roaches" (yuck!)
"

But Marion, we also talk of a river or lake teeming with fish, and that's a really positive connotation, of prosperity, of fertility, of nature going right - especially for the fisherfolk! Associative thinking's such an interesting thing.

[Marion Shore]

Maybe, Seree. For me, anyway, "teems" has a somewhat negative connotation. For the fisherfolk, I would choose to say the lake "abounds" with fish. But, in any case,"teems" is a poetic interpretation, and, as I said, I think the translation should stay closer to the original, both in sound and meaning.

I totally agree with Rose. To me, there is nothing in this poem resembling "juvenilia" - it has depth, passion, originality; the apparent simplicity of the language expresses the complexity and depth of a passionate, intelligent woman, who is far from adolescent. It certainly speaks to me. But maybe I'm just in touch with my inner adolescent.

(This poem reminded me of the remarkable poem by Maz (Grasshopper) – anyone remember it? – where the narrator describes herself as a performing monkey on the outside, and an anguished hound underneath.)

[Catherine Chandler]

I wish I were fluent in Swedish in order to be able to critique the translation ! There are some powerful images here. Question: Did the translator insert stanza breaks, or was the original lacking them?

[Rose Kelleher]

Originally Posted by Marion Shore

(This poem reminded me of the remarkable poem by Maz (Grasshopper) – anyone remember it? – where the narrator describes herself as a performing monkey on the outside, and an anguished hound underneath.)

Visiting the Surgical Ward

[Skip Dewahl]

The movement of the piece is admirable, but that doesn't make up for the obscurity of stanzas 2 and 3. When one needs notes to explain poetry, the burden becomes almost insurmountable. The translation is fairly faithful to the crib, but the crib is also in need of footnotes. Great singers should choose great songs, yet this obviously accomplished versifier and translator has made a bad choice of translation.

[Marion Shore]

The poem was immediately accessible to me both aesthetically and emotionally. I want to add, as maybe I came off a bit negative toward the translation, that I think it's a good, clear, readable draft, and that with a little polishing and revising I'm sure the translator can make it successful; furthermore, her* passion for the poet and the poem comes through and I think that's the most important part of the process.

Just a note, I can read the original, and I read it first. If you're basing your reaction to the poem off the translation, maybe you're not getting a true sense of the poem.

*I know! His/her. But surely it's a woman!

[Janice D. Soderling]

Coincidentally, I have just been reading a book about Karin Boye's life, since a line of her poetry was quoted a few days ago in the official statement of government policy by our newly elected prime minister. That doesn't happen often and it made me quite happy.

When I heard his quote, I remembered some unread books by K.B so I hauled them out and have been reading. I have in actual fact been personally acquainted with people (all now dead) who knew Karin Boye. It may be because I know (or think I know) circumstances of her life and death that this poem moves me.

Marion, who is fluent in Swedish, discerns a difference between the source language and its rendering. I can't say I'm recognizing discrepancies, but these are sure to be itemized later. Birthe hasn't yet weighed in.

I read the poem as dealing with K.B.s complicated inner life as a young talented avantgarde bisexual who was involved in both political and intellectual enterprises and was interested in Freud's school of psychoanalysis. She spent many years going from one analyst to another and her metaphors reflect her inner strife in Freudian terms.

One should remember that in the thirties homosexuality was still criminalized in Sweden as was propagation of birth control methods.

It is true that half of the first line is missing and that mars the rendition. Otherwise it seems to be an interesting choice and I'm glad to see a Swedish poem again in the discussion. Like Marion, I'm guessing the translator is a woman, but in this company, one never knows.

[Birthe Myers]

Wonderful poem, valiant translation, I am looking forward to finding out who tackled Swedish this time.
I agree with Marion about ‘teeming’, the f sequence should not be lost in translation.
The ending is meant to be humorous, ‘My innermost being’ is a poetic interpretation of a what the author calls ‘my tows’. She sees her insides as held together with white tows (or webbing,) white as [ potato ] sprouts grown in the dark. I would translate ‘mit innerstas tågor’ as
’ my internal rigging’.
Or
‘my innermost fabric’.
‘Omätliga’ means insatiable – I don’t think ‘boundless’ will do, it is not the same.
‘The cave is sealed’ is too biblical – The cavern, or grotto, is closed – sounds better, lighter, and I think light is what this should be, and serious - with humor.

[Janice D. Soderling]

I have to respectfully disagree, Birthe.

"Omätliga" means "immeasureable"; (gränslös) boundless;

"Omättliga" means "insatiable".

"tåga" (plural tågor) means "(fiber) filiment, thread; (figuratively) nerve, sinew.

The Swedish dictionary gives it thus:

tåga - -an, -or trådlik del i kätt el. växter, fiber; utplockad tråd (.t.ex. lintåga) äv. bildl. nervkraft, uthållighet: det är verklig t-a i honom han tål och uthärdar verkligen mycket. tågig -t bestående av el. full av tågor.

So I think perhaps "the very fiber of my being" or put another way "the essence of who I am."

I find it difficult to see the ending as humorous. It's very Freudian, a statement about her chosen sexuality, which of course was a criminal offense at that time. Though women weren't usually prosecuted, men were. Still homosexuality was illegal and a social stigma. Also, she was always in need of cash. She mostly supported herself as an underpaid translator, and though her books were published by Bonniers, she had no money to speak of when she died.

I think this is a cry that she feels her sexuality is caught in the grip of these captive eagles who hold it as prey and won't release it. J

ust my take on it.