[Seree Zohar]

Janice! What a surprise… from you! Heh.
Actually, I did wonder why the nipples would already be erect, rather than, perhaps, perky; and not sure ‘briefly’ is needed as the thought immediately moves on. I like ‘this day and age’ only because it does sound like something and older person would say [younger people might just clip to ‘these days’].
Re: pretending to be Russian – no, I didn’t see that, though it is slightly clearer with Marina-May; I wonder if blonde Olga might not have Latino skin or accent or something, to highlight that she’s pretending on that issue too.
I think I’d like to see this in present tense, to make it more, er, tense!
But all in all, good writing.

[Janice D. Soderling]

"Perky" is good. I can stop worrying that sentence now. Thx Seree. And big thanks to Marybeth who pointed it out first.

I'll work on the clarification that the girls aren't really Russian. It's comments like these that are invaluable. (thx Rob and Seree)

And that this isn't a fantasy. I'll sort that out. (thx John and Nina.)

N talks too much in the section about what he plans to do. I'll tone that down some.

John, I'm still laughing at your response.

[Birthe Myers]

Janice,
Surprise indeed, the N's as well as mine. I didn't expect the plot to twist in the direction you twisted it, and it has taken several readings to decide that he maybe really after all is not just having fun pretending he's game, and that he wants them to play his game and not v.v.
Or is he? does he?
The ambiguity is delicious, the story is fun, the reality and plausibility of the story is shocking - but 'in this day and age' one knows that this kind of thing goes on. ( meaning to sound as old as I am ...........)
I like the Olga pretense - very witty, though sad as well considering the what Russian girls really do in reality.
A very clever, elegantly told story.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Thanks Birthe and everyone who has contributed wise thoughts--that's all of you.

Marina May is now Cherie Jessica. Possibly I will have Cherie Jessica tug Olga's black leather jacket and say, "But Emily, ..." But I don't think the smart reader needs that that much help. I may be wrong. looking at lists of the most popular girls names during the past few decades, most of them seem destined to grow up to be pole dancers.

But time may work that out.

Consider:

Great-Aunt Amber Jade was a born-again Christian and whenever she came to visit we could expect caustic complaints about skirts being too short and how young girls should not cross their legs but keep both feet on the floor. Her upper denture often slipped when she was in the middle of her tirades and even Mother found it difficult to keep a straight face.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Revision posted.

[Seree Zohar]

reads well now!

[Janice D. Soderling]

Thx for a thumbs up!

[Maryann Delaney]

Hello Janice – I think this may be an exercise because I see title listings in Fiction that look like they could be that/those. I’m addressing the Revision of 7/20/12, which seems old, but there’s not much in this forum to address, and I’d like to stay in the pool here.

The writing element that stands out to me here is character development, of the “I” – the formal dialogue especially fleshed-out in stanza three’s internal dialogue.

The dialogue of the other two sounds clipped enough to be different and a bit more of that could enhance differences between the “I” and them, if that is helpful to the piece.

The scene flows well as I can follow it. The scene is set as to situation, not visually or other points of sense. But that’s okay if this is a particular exercise in something else. If not, I want to see if this is an apartment, house, etc, to give me more of a sense of who the characters are (who would be credible in the setting), and whether neighbors might be watching.

I think there is a reliance on modifiers that tell – “briefly”, “apprehensively”, “unbearably”, “quickly”, “suddenly”, “reassuringly”, “gleefully”. But, again, if this is a response to an exercise about something else, that’s okay. If this is a piece to be worked on, I think this needs to be addressed.

There’s a couple of places I’d like to see showing rather than telling – “It was getting dark. “ and “a quick flicker of uncertainty.”, that last one a bit trickier.

It strikes me that the subject matter is for a particular audience, be it a bit cliché, but sex never gets out of fashion. – Maryann Delaney

[Janice D. Soderling]

Hello Maryann,

Thank you for critting my story. I have only had time so far to look at your comments quickly, but they are well-written and thoughtful and I'm sure they will be helpful.

A word of explanation. The pieces marked Day #1, etc. are from a recent Fiction Fest Event which we have each year. Each day a prompt was suggested by the Fiction Editor of Able Muse, Nina Schuyler and those members interested in taking part took up the challenge to produce a text a day during on week.

You can read about it here. http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/showthread.php?t=18308

Able Muse, as I'm sure you know is a print and online literary magazine issued by Alex Pepple; and the Eratosphere workshops are affiliated with it.

The fiction site is pruned at regular intervals so the July posts are the only ones still available for reading.