[John Whitworth]

We can all do this. Did you know there are Atheists' Churches where you can go to get bored on Sundays. Yes really.

No. 2845: I’m a Non-believer

You are invited to compose a hymn for atheists (16 lines max.). Entries should be emailed to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 23 April.

[Graham King]

CS Lewis wrote a rather good one of these, a 'hymn' for evolutionists.

It may have begun something like 'Lead us, Evolution, onward'...

I can remember (or think I can remember) only one whole line from later in it:
"Such stochastic, inelastic, abstract yardsticks we deplore."

Or perhaps that was from another poem of his?

[Jim Hayes]

So, does this qualify John?

We kill each other daily
that’s how we proselytise--
we do not fail a deity
as long as someone dies.

Muslims, Buddhists, fervent Prods
are captive to a spell
and Irish Catholics, poor sods,
don’t die to go to hell.

But beasts that roam on land and sea
don’t worship god or mammon
and pass the day contentedly--
predestined chop or gammon.

So I praise thy Nonexistence ,
thy lack of power and pelf,
knowing, some few short years hence,
I’m non-deified myself.

Jim

[John Whitworth]

Can you sing it, Jim? What's the tune?

Graham, the Lewis line goes to 'Praise the Lord, for he is glorious'.

[Gail White]

Here's a first attempt:

Onward, nonbelievers,
free of fret and fuss,
no more magic symbols,
no more myths for us.
Leave those ten commandments
moldering on the shelves.
We will base our ethics
firmly on ourselves.

At the sign of Zero
no one runs away.
Nonexistent Satan
gains another day.
So onward, nonbelievers,
don't be left behind,
with the loss of Eden
vaguely kept in mind.

[Gail White]

I'd also like to write a non-Easter hymn about the joys of lying in cold obstruction and rotting, but I think nothing can equal the old Cockney song "Ain't it Grand to be Bloody Well Dead."

[Jim Hayes]

John, it's either Onward Christian Soldiers or Hail Glorious St Patrick- I can't make up my mind.

[John Whitworth]

I find it difficult to sing your song to 'Onward Christian Soldiers', Jim. But Gail's goes to it a treat.

[Jim Hayes]

Hmm-

I'll try this version John;

Gonward Christian Soldiers

Kill each other daily
always proselytise--
do not fail a deity,
make sure that someone dies.

Christians, pagans-all their gods,
cast the same old spell,
Irish Catholics, poor sods,
don’t die to go to hell.

Beasts that roam on land and sea
discarding god and mammon,
pass their days contentedly;
predestined steak or gammon.

Myths today are jejune--
gods do not exist.
Oh hear us Thomas, St Man-in-the-Moon,
our prayers as atheists.

Jim

[John Whitworth]

Yeah. That goes better.

I shall try something along those lines:

Onward, Reason's army,
In the Peaceful War.
Christian Faith is barmy.
Praise George Bernard Shaw.

Honour Jean Jacques Rousseau
And his General Will.
Wise are we who do so.
Praise John Stuart Mill.

Hail to Richard Dawkins,
Such a lovely chap.
At our Sunday walk-ins
We can cut the crap,

Rational to the eyeballs,
Logic's cherubim.
Darwin gave us bibles.
We believe in him.