[Orwn Acra]

Change it to Manhattans! So much meaning in that single word.

[Duncan Gillies MacLaurin]

Originally Posted by Sharon Fish Mooney

Enjoyed the overall metrics too -- thought the last line might need a tweak to make it a bit stronger

but frankly, there was no one there we cherished.

Great minds, Sharon!

Duncan

[R. S. Gwynn]

I'll take Manhattans (the Bronx and Staten Island too).

[Martin Elster]

Originally Posted by Mary McLean

I'd guess it's Martin's from the subject matter.

I’m flattered, Mary. But it’s not mine. I only wish!
(My guess is Matt Q.)

Yes for Manhattans. “Ill-gotten gains” is a nice alliteration. Maybe that was the reasoning behind it more than the meaning. I agree with others about Gates’ wanting two syllables. Siphoning off Earth’s atmosphere and then pumping it to Mars is pretty far-fetched, to be sure, but I can go along with it, deeming it more fantasy than science fiction.

I like Duncan’s and Sharon’s suggestion for the last line.

A fun poem.

[Roger Slater]

I enjoyed this, but the diction of the couplet strikes me as strained. I think both rhyme words are in the wrong register compared to the rest of the poem, and "cherished" is particularly off key. This needs a new couplet, or maybe it needs to end after 12 lines and not be a sonnet.

[Mary Meriam]

I like the title. It doesn't seem like much of a sonnet (or poem). It might work better in a different form, heroic couplets maybe.

[Kyle Norwood]

I too like the Manhattans. I know the poem is a light-hearted parable about how the super-wealthy isolate themselves and siphon up all the value in the economy, but it still bothers me a bit that the literal story seems so impossible. It's just hard to believe that any new technological development could make it possible to transfer all the earth's air and water to Mars. It would have to be a very mysterious process, whereas there's nothing very mysterious about the way the super-rich drain the economy. I don't think this is a fatal flaw in an admittedly fanciful poem, but I do think it is a flaw.
(Added note: on second thought, maybe I am being overly literal. Never mind.)

[Toni Seger]

I'm a lover of satire and this delivers. Entertaining.

[Paddy Raghunathan]

I am glad the poet resisted the temptation to title the poem "After Earth."

It was a fun read.

Paddy

[Ann Drysdale]

I'm detecting a sarcastic tone here that pleases me greatly. I think changing the last line from "that" to "there" would weaken the "message", which to me is all about not cherishing anybody - here, there or anywhere, so I'd suggest "there was nobody we cherished". These are the people who will survive in the end. Or so this sonnet is telling me.