This is a very famous Neruda poem and the translation here is very well done. Julie: The Spanish version in the thread does not reflect the stanza breaks.
I have only six nits, three small, one medium and two large.
The small nits are (1) the translator having dropped the word
agudos when describing the lover's toes -- Neruda uses every single word with a purpose; (2) the word "shining" for
claro, although "clear" would have been worse; and (3) "Through" for
Por in L15.
The medium nit is the period instead of the exclamation point at the very end of the poem. A classic Nerudian syntactical device, I'm assuming the translator simply made a typo. At least I hope so!
The first major nit has to do with the word "moistened". Had the translator used the word "dampened" he/she would have approached Neruda's double meaning more faithfully.
The second major nit has to do with the relegation of the word
caigo from Neruda's L28 (first word in the line) to L26 in the English translation (and as a result the placement of the words "blind" and "hungry" -- which, by the way, should be "starved" or "famished", not merely hungry
). Through the misplacement, most of the passion in this, the most important part of the poem, is lost.