Eratosphere Forums - Metrical Poetry, Free Verse, Fiction, Art, Critique, Discussions Able Muse - a review of poetry, prose and art

Forum Left Top

Notices

Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Unread 09-30-2014, 06:21 PM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 8,307
Default 2014 TBO 1B--Neruda's insect

"El insecto" by Pablo Neruda (Chile, 1904-1973)


VERSE TRANSLATION:

The Insect

From your hips to your feet
I want to make a long journey.

I am smaller than an insect.

I travel though these hills,
they are the color of oats,
they have delicate traces
known by me alone,
burnt centimeters,
pale perspectives.
Here there is a mountain.
I will never leave it.
Oh what gigantic moss!
And a crater, a rose
of moistened fire!

Through your legs I descend,
threading a spiral,
or sleeping as I travel
to arrive at your
round, hard knees
as if at the peaks
of a shining continent.

Towards your feet I slide,
to the eight slots
of your toes, slow
and peninsular,
and fall from them,
blind and hungry,
to the white sheet,
seeking the edges
of your burning vessel.


SPANISH ORIGINAL:

El insecto

De tus caderas a tus pies
quiero hacer un largo viaje.
Soy más pequeño que un insecto.
Voy por estas colinas,
son de color de avena,
tienen delgadas huellas
que sólo yo conozco,
centímetros quemados,
pálidas perspectivas.
Aquí hay una montaña.
No saldré nunca de ella.
Oh qué musgo gigante!
Y un cráter, una rosa
de fuego humedecido!
Por tus piernas desciendo
hilando una espiral
o durmiendo en el viaje
y llego a tus rodillas
de redonda dureza
como a las cimas duras
de un claro continente.
Hacia tus pies resbalo,
a las ocho aberturas,
de tus dedos agudos,
lentos, peninsulares,
y de ellos al vacío
de la sábana blanca
caigo, buscando ciego
y hambriento tu contorno
de vasija quemante!


ENGLISH PROSE CRIB:

The insect

From your hips to your feet,
I want to make a long trip.

I am smaller than an insect.

I go through these hills,
(they) are the color of oats,
(they) have delicate tracks/footprints/traces
that I alone am acquainted with,
burned centimeters,
pale perspectives.
Here there is a mountain.
I will never leave it.
Oh what giant moss!
And a crater, a rose
of humidified fire.

Through your legs I descend
spinning out a spiral
or sleeping during the trip
and I arrive at your knees
of round hardness
as at the hard summits
of a clear/bright continent.

Towards your feet I slide,
at the eight openings,
of your sharp toes,
slow, peninsular,
and from them to the space
of the white sheet
I fall , blindly seeking
and hungering, your contour/outline/edges/form
of a burning pot/vessel.

Last edited by Julie Steiner; 09-30-2014 at 07:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Unread 09-30-2014, 06:44 PM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: San Diego, CA, USA
Posts: 8,307
Default Commentary

NOTES ON THE POEM CHOICE:

Over the centuries, countless other poets have started at a woman's toes and have moved lasciviously upward, with varying degrees of delicacy; only Neruda reverses this order, without it seeming in any way anticlimactic. (To me, anyway. Your mileage may vary.)

He starts with the hips, which are the domain of stretch marks, which is how I'm reading "delgadas huellas...centímetros quemadas, pálidas perspectivas", "thin marks...scorched centimeters, pale perspectives." I may be wrong, of course, but stretch marks do tend to be about a centimeter thick, and they do indeed look like red scorches when new, gradually fading over time to pale sunkenness. The usual Spanish word for them is estrías, "striations or grooves", but hey, it's a poem. And the word huellas is used for footprints (including animal and vehicle tracks) and fingerprints, but also for marks in general.

Gotta love a guy who can feel celebratory about a woman's stretch marks, and of the intimacy ("known by me alone") represented by the opportunity to explore them.

As so often in Neruda's poetry, we are invited to join him on an adventure that seems to be an exploration of something more or less mundane...but which is actually an exhilarating journey through Neruda's own fantastic, joyful mind.

This time, halfway along, he claims he'll never leave a certain point of interest, but of course Neruda is too hyperactive and curious to pause anywhere for long.


NOTES ON THE TRANSLATION:

The punctuation of the run-on sentence about the hips bothers me more in the translation than in the Spanish original, for some reason. Maybe I'm just more uptight in English. This is not the translator's fault. I wonder if it bothers others, too. (The punctuation, not my uptightness.)

I wonder if "spiral" might be rendered as "doodle", although "threading out a spiral" is very nice. I also wonder if "sleeping during the trip" or "sleeping as I travel" might be rendered as "sleepwalking".

I'm not sure why the translator has decided to present the knees as he/she has. I don't have a problem with the change from the original's approach--I'm just curious. After the identities are revealed, I'd love to hear the thinking behind this.

I see that agudos has dropped out of the verse translation. "toes, slow,/ pointy, peninsular' does sound a little strange in English. Perhaps agudos would fit better if it were treated a little more loosely ("slow / to taper, peninsular" or "slowly / tapering, peninsular).

I very much admire the translator's deviation from the original word order in the final lines: "blind and hungry," etc. That's wonderful. I can see that sticking more closely to the text would have been very clunky there.

I can't help thinking of a ship on fire when I read "burning vessel". Hmmm. I'm inclined to see it more as the narrator's awareness that the woman's body is a container for something else--perhaps the spark of her consciousness, perhaps the fire of her passion. I really don't think it's the stereotypical woman-as-vessel-of-a-man's-reproductive-capacities-or-passions trope. "The red-hot vessel of your being" seems a bit too heavy-handed. Again, hmmm. Perhaps others will have helpful suggestions, or will be able to assure the translator that I'm off-base and "burning vessel" is just fine as it is.

Last edited by Julie Steiner; 09-30-2014 at 06:57 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Unread 10-02-2014, 05:20 AM
Ann Drysdale's Avatar
Ann Drysdale Ann Drysdale is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Old South Wales (UK)
Posts: 6,667
Default

What a delicious change from the English metaphysicals and their body-journeys. I have always felt that what they describe is a mere moment, a point of perfection, that the woman around whom they are Cook'stouring is at her best, prior to a perfunctory plucking. Nice, naughty-nice, but not for long.

This woman is well-explored, known and, without its ever being stated, loved. The poem is a long, slow, stroke; although the tiny insect-persona is incapable of such a sweeping touch, the effect is there for all to see/hear/feel.

I think the knees are important because they are the midpoint of the journey, the actual highest point. The clitoris is in the foothills on this occasion.

But oh, the toes, the toes! By the time I arrived there I was so captivated by the journey that the eightstomeness of the gaps between them was so deliciously unexpected that I laughed with pleasure. And then, the tiny fellow drops, plop, off the end of his world and the little flat-earther is overtaken by the man, who knows that there is so, so much more.

I love this poem.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Unread 10-02-2014, 06:30 AM
Rose Kelleher's Avatar
Rose Kelleher Rose Kelleher is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Maryland, USA
Posts: 3,745
Default

Wow, those comments are rather beautiful too! What she said.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Unread 10-02-2014, 07:37 AM
Maryann Corbett's Avatar
Maryann Corbett Maryann Corbett is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 9,656
Default

Can I just say thanks to Julie for the stretch marks interpretation? I never would have reached it unaided, and it makes lovely sense.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Unread 10-02-2014, 08:28 AM
Adam Elgar Adam Elgar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 3,954
Default

I imagine this poem was a lot harder to work on than the translator has made it seem. Beautiful balance (or tension) between intimacy and lofty drama. Or even mock-lofty drama, but never made flippant. Great tone and detail.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Unread 10-02-2014, 11:22 AM
Rose Kelleher's Avatar
Rose Kelleher Rose Kelleher is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Maryland, USA
Posts: 3,745
Default

p.s. Julie, I thought the bed was the burning vessel.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Unread 10-02-2014, 01:47 PM
Mary McLean Mary McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Cambridge UK
Posts: 1,214
Default

I don't see a big difference between the prose crib and the poem, but I'm notoriously obtuse with free verse. Despite my limitations I like it, so that at least is a tribute to the translator as well as Neruda. I can't think of anything I would change.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Unread 10-02-2014, 01:56 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Iowa City, IA, USA
Posts: 10,090
Default

I think this was lovely to follow, but the end is not quite there. I would suggest something like "the curves of your burning container" to avoid the possible suggestion of a ship with the "vessel." If I understand the crib, the ant is not seeking to escape the body onto the white sheet, but inadvertently falls off it as it explores every curve of the body. Caveat: I don't know Spanish, so I am wholly dependent on the crib and have never read this poem before.

Susan
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Unread 10-02-2014, 02:52 PM
Seree Zohar's Avatar
Seree Zohar Seree Zohar is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: oy of the storm
Posts: 5,002
Default

Just me I guess, but "I am smaller than an insect" contrasted with "Through your legs I descend" leaves me wondering. Perhaps "as if at the peaks /of a shining continent" could do with another round of tweaking, and my pref wd be for contour rather than edges, but all in all, this is lovely. Trust Neruda to talk of the 'white space' [slots between the toes]. Lovely work.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Forum Right Top
Forum Left Bottom Forum Right Bottom
 
Right Left
Member Login
Forgot password?
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Statistics:
Forum Members: 8,399
Total Threads: 21,841
Total Posts: 270,806
There are 1505 users
currently browsing forums.
Forum LeftForum Right


Forum Sponsor:
Donate & Support Able Muse / Eratosphere
Forum LeftForum Right
Right Right
Right Bottom Left Right Bottom Right

Hosted by ApplauZ Online