First of all, my apologies for belated thanks and comments. I've been away and didn't take my Eratosphere password with me, so even when I had access to the Internet, I was foiled.
I have enjoyed all the comments and yes, part of the first line was missing. Shame on me. I just plucked this from my "Finished/Available Translations" file without reading. I had the missing parts in red in the previous version (to indicate "think more about this") and when I decided I wanted it that way, I apparently mistakenly deleted rather than change the color. That's what happens when I've been in front of the screen for too many hours.
So "fladdervingar" should have been included in the first line and I had it as "with flickering wings" I did not want "fluttering wings" for two reasons. One, because I felt it would be just too many occurrences of "flutter". "fladder" can substitute for "flicker", as you see in definitions 2 and 3 below. And two, I like the "skin/flicker" sound combination.
Flutter - verb (used without object)
1. to wave, flap, or toss about
: Banners fluttered in the breeze.
2. to flap the wings rapidly; fly with flapping movements.
3. to move in quick, irregular motions; vibrate.
4. to beat rapidly, as the heart.
5. to be tremulous or agitated.
6. to go with irregular motions or aimless course: to flutter back and forth.
Flicker - verb (used without object)
1. to burn unsteadily; shine with a wavering light:
The candle flickered in the wind and went out.
2. to move to and fro; vibrate; quiver:
The long grasses flickered in the wind.
3. to flutter.
I found Julie's comment about the frictive v's and f's being imitative of the wingbeats just beautiful. Whether Boye intended it or not, I can't say, but I hope I shall always remember that perceptive comment. (If I can't remember how to change color, I may have trouble, but I'll try.) Julie is spot on when she points out Boye's use of alliteration and repetition.
About "teems" rather than "full of". I'm not keen on "My skin is full of butterflies" (though other poets have chosen that solution) because "a skin that is full of" signifies not only "covered with" (the sense intended here) but also "a skin full" and I rejected that as a possible snicker-stumble. Moreover "teem" encapsulates the sense of "swarm"
Teem - verb (used without object)
1. to abound or swarm; be prolific or fertile (usually followed by with).
2. Obsolete. to be or become pregnant; bring forth young.
verb (used with object)
3. Obsolete. to produce (offspring).
I am willing to find a better word than "ardent", but "hot" isn't it.
I have to admit that I don't like "Meanwhile". Sorry, but in my mind, it is inextricably followed by "by at the ranch". For me, "while" fills the need for "at the same time that"; it indicates an analogous or corresponding action: The floor was strewn with books, while magazines covered the tables.
About "bleak, pale and pallid". I thought I was incorporating two senses, but discovered when double-checking now that I am guilty of using a false friend. I would say in Swedish of someone who has lost their face color that they were "blek": So I find myself taken down a second notch about this translation.
Word Origin and History for bleak
adj.
c.1300, "pale," from Old Norse bleikr "pale, whitish, blond," from Proto-Germanic *blaika- "shining, white," from PIE root *bhel- (1) "to shine, flash, burn" (see bleach (v.)). Later "bare, windswept" (1530s). Sense of "cheerless" is c.1719 figurative extension. The same Germanic root produced Old English blac "pale," but this died out, probably from confusion with blæc "black;" however bleak persisted, with a sense of" bare" as well as "pale."
In reply to Maryann's question: I don't know. Both she and her husband Leif Björk were interested in depth psychology and went from one therapist to another. Boye had a period of religiosity in her youth though she later identified as agnostic or atheist. To the best of my knowledge, this is not an early poem, but who knows what scrap can be found and built on?
I've recently read a biography of a sorts: in translation it would be "Karin Boye and her husband". Perhaps it should be called a memoir. It was written by Kaj Björk the younger brother of Leif Bjork, Karin Boye's husband. He was several years younger than she was and died as recently as 2000. They remained on good terms and he never commented their relationship though he did serve on the board for a "Friends of.." organization. He was a statistician and had a long and distinguished career as a civil servant. He was also a translator of specialist literature including J.M. Keynes "General Theory".
I am debating with myself about "fiber" rather than "essence". Thanks to all who introduced and supported this idea.
After all these excellent comments (
special thanks to Marion) I intend to work on this some more and see if I can't bring it up to snuff.
Apologies for throwing out the red herrings. That's part of the fun of the yearly translation event.
Linear Mode
