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  #1  
Unread 05-01-2012, 07:15 AM
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Gail White Gail White is offline
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Default Sonnet #9 - partnering

PARTNERING

I love you as a ballerina's feet
cherish the floor they seem intent on leaving.
Arched like little wings, they poise or beat
the air, hovering, soaring, flashing, weaving
invisible lace. Her buoyant movements hide
the force that lifts or launches; no one sees
the impact when she lands. She seems to glide
above the floor like goose down in a breeze.

Yet she could neither leap nor twirl nor stand
without that solid surface's support,
and if it had no give, each time she'd land,
her joints would suffer and her tendons hurt --
the base on which she spins above the dust
as firm as love, as flexible as trust.
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  #2  
Unread 05-01-2012, 08:05 AM
E. Shaun Russell E. Shaun Russell is offline
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My favorite so far! Such a novel perspective on what is often a cliched trope in poetry. The only nit I can pick is with "cherish" in L2, as it starts the line with an off-putting metric (unless you can make "cherish" sound like one syllable, which is almost possible...). Other than that, I truly like everything about this poem...which speaks volumes for a sonnet that is (ostensibly) about a floor. Well done!
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  #3  
Unread 05-01-2012, 08:27 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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That's merely a trochaic substitution, Skip.

I agree this is fine work. I could wish the one imperfect rhyme were made perfect, I suppose, though it's not a big deal.

What I find slightly annoying about the poem (though I don't think it's a flaw in the poem per se) is the same thing I find annoying in the popular song where the singer tells his/her lover that he/she has flown higher than an eagle only because "you are the wind beneath my wings." To me it's a bit annoying to assign oneself the role of successful flyer/dancer and to praise one's love for making it all possible. Most of us would rather be the eagle and let someone else be the wind beneath our wings, and most of us would rather be the dancer than the floorboards beneath the dancer.

The "I" here only shows up in the first line, so I'm wondering if the line could be rewritten in a more reciprocal way to suggest that each of the lovers is both dancer and floorboard.

But kudos for the extended metaphor, which I think is well done.
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Unread 05-01-2012, 08:34 AM
conny conny is offline
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I like it too, with a few reservations,
all pretty fixable i think.

goose down doesn't really glide, esp. in a breeze. it just kinda
gets blown about. thus glide feels a bit rhyme driven. and
above the floor isn't quite right imo. gliding across the
floor maybe, like a swan or something.

and the dust on the floor seems odd. spinning above the dust
sounds a bit of a strange thing to draw attention to.
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  #5  
Unread 05-01-2012, 09:01 AM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is offline
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A fine extended metaphor and lovely tribute to N's lover/spouse. A little on the sweet side, though, and I'm not sure I agree with the statement in L14. The simile in L2 also gave me pause. Is N somehow "intent on leaving"? I don't think so, but it does come across as somewhat questionable.

I think there's lots of room for improvement. For example, the bland statement "buoyant movements" -- why not a specific example?

The alliterative sounds in L10 (which I find a tad OTT) belie the solidity of the floorboards.

I also believe that ballerinas' joints and tendons hurt anyway, despite the flexibility of the boards, so the statement isn't quite honest.

Still, I admire the sonnet very much.

Last edited by Catherine Chandler; 05-01-2012 at 10:08 AM. Reason: typo
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  #6  
Unread 05-01-2012, 09:46 AM
Tim Murphy Tim Murphy is offline
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Of all the sonnets we've seen, this weaves the sentences through the structure best. That's not an easy thing to do. It bespeaks real mastery of the pentameter. I agree with Cathy that this is a little too sweet, but I take my hat off to the poet.
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  #7  
Unread 05-01-2012, 12:06 PM
Vernon Sims Vernon Sims is offline
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Default Delicate

A difficult subject treated with delicacy and an interesting perspective. Nothing is perfect and that is as it should be.
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  #8  
Unread 05-01-2012, 11:12 PM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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Though the poem is technically very well made, I found it too sweet; I think a pinch of
bemusement or even self-mockery would make for a more interesting flavor, and be more effective.
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  #9  
Unread 05-01-2012, 11:45 PM
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John Beaton John Beaton is offline
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There have been some good comments above, and I endorse most of them, positive and negative. I have the following to add.

The metaphor begins with feet and floor, then, in L5, N's counterpart switches from the feet to the whole ballerina and it slips into a relationship between ballerina and floor.

The relationship, as stated in L1, is one of love, so I'm not sure about eliciting one of its characteristics in L14 as being like love.

L3 and L4 are a vivid description of a ballerina's feet in action.

John
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  #10  
Unread 05-08-2012, 09:29 AM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
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Thanks to everyone for their comments. This was my attempt at a Metaphysical sonnet, and it was meant to be funny to compare one partner to the floor. But as I noticed the first time I posted it and again this time, most readers seem to miss the reason I wrote it in the first place, which is that the key characteristic of a ballerina's feet in relation to the floor is how much of the time they are off it. This is meant to be about a long-term long-distance relationship, so it focuses on the effort and difficulty that onlookers don't see. But it is also about the cost of art and the kind of partner who can help to make it possible. In ballet "partnering" refers to the male dancer's chief role, which is to hold and lift the ballerina while most eyes are on her.

In terms of Frank's suggestion about the last line, all I can say is that, to me, love is the bond between two people, and trust is the give that keeps it from becoming a stranglehold.

Susan
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