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Old 04-22-2017, 05:21 PM
Michael Ferris's Avatar
Michael Ferris Michael Ferris is offline
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Kingston, NY and San Francisco, CA
Posts: 636

I like it a lot, Julie. It’s a witty, thoughtful and learned meditation on inequality and relations of power. I made some notes on things that stuck out to me. I hope maybe something is useful to you (I think I got the S&Ls right...)

S3L6 – “eagerness” does not seem the right word. Determination/necessity seems more the sense you’re going for, but I don’t have the right word in a dactyl (or whatever the negative is of the amphibrach!)

S8L8 – “economy” for “society”? perhaps "in this economy"?

S9L6 – “desperate” is naturally two syllables to my ear. “the desperate and the dead”?

S10L4 – “inveigh” does not seem the right word to me, too strong

S16L7 – “aligned” is an interesting possible substitute for “combined”

S19L6 – “Inertia’s track looks bleak”? Avoids the double possessive

S19L7 -- “and” for “but” changes the sense to something more
admonitory, if that’s what you want

S19L8 – “change course by spark and shriek” – just a thought

It’s very engaging and admirable. Props.


Last edited by Michael Ferris; Yesterday at 05:39 PM. Reason: oops on the S&Ls; too terse on S8 -- sorry!
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