I like it a lot, Julie. It’s a witty, thoughtful and learned meditation on inequality and relations of power. I made some notes on things that stuck out to me. I hope maybe something is useful to you (I think I got the S&Ls right...)
S3L6 – “eagerness” does not seem the right word. Determination/necessity seems more the sense you’re going for, but I don’t have the right word in a dactyl (or whatever the negative is of the amphibrach!)
S8L8 – “economy” for “society”? perhaps "in this economy"?
S9L6 – “desperate” is naturally two syllables to my ear. “the desperate and the dead”?
S10L4 – “inveigh” does not seem the right word to me, too strong
S16L7 – “aligned” is an interesting possible substitute for “combined”
S19L6 – “Inertia’s track looks bleak”? Avoids the double possessive
S19L7 -- “and” for “but” changes the sense to something more
admonitory, if that’s what you want
S19L8 – “change course by spark and shriek” – just a thought
It’s very engaging and admirable. Props.
Last edited by Michael Ferris; Yesterday at 05:39 PM.
Reason: oops on the S&Ls; too terse on S8 -- sorry!