[robert mezey]

Here's an unpublished sonnet some of you may enjoy, one about being unable to write. (Not in the same class as "Thou are indeed just, Lord, if I contend," but what is? One could put together a charming little anthology of good poems that complain of being unable to write.)


FORCED MARCH IN FOURTEEN LINES

Keeping his feet, a feeling in his gut,
(Heart in his mouth, a slow bee in his bonnet),
Silently groaning under God knows what,
He wants to see if he can write a sonnet:
Nothing exceptional, just some decent verse,
Each phoneme brooded on, each syllable weighed,
The diction plain, the sentences fairly terse--
(To please you, lovely reader, meter-made).

And now he feels he's in his element,
Baiting a hook and casting forth the line,
And through clear water sees a heaven-sent
Swift flash of silver rise into air and shine.
Ah, let it go, go dart back to the deep--
A lovely thing, but much too small to keep.




(The word "you" in line 8 would be italicized if I knew how to italicize it. And the pun in that line, an inspired pun, I think, I borrowed from my late friend Henri Coulette; I
am pretty sure that since he can't use it himself, he would be pleased to see me use it.



[This message has been edited by robert mezey (edited April 22, 2003).]

[Deborah Warren]

I like (and recognize) what you say in the octave. Interesting how 'bonnet' hardly seems forced as a rhyme to 'sonnet'--so often the notion of a poem begins with a bee in one's bonnet.

But after the Lovely Rita, who would have expected a sestet of such, such beauty? I can't tell you how I love those 6 lines.

The title makes for quite a mix of metaphors. I might like a title that doesn't make a once-only reference to the military.

Don't throw this one back.

[robert mezey]

Deborah, you make me blush to the roots of my hair. Thanks
for the kind words. I must confess I don't quite see the
metaphor of the title as mixed; I'd say the sense is something like "I've made myself march fourteen lines (miles)" No, I
don't plan to throw it away; I'll put it in my next book (if there is a next book), but that would throw an odd light on the last line, wouldn't it? Maybe I should add a note: "I lied."

[David Anthony]

I've the impression you started off intending something pretty light; but then the poem was elevated by the spectacular close. I think the sestet's in a different league to the octave.
Why not carry the metaphor back into the octave, and let the title explain it's about writing not fishing?
Regards,
David

[Deborah Warren]

Yes, I want the title about fishing or writing, or just call it 'Sonnet', for heaven's sake. The forced march is a distraction (in my opinion). Mind you, it segues nicely into 'Keeping his feet', but in the context of the whole poem, it strikes me as off. You have to be either a soldier OR an angler.

[Tim Murphy]

I like the title and the huge turn. This is almost two poems that dance together as well as Fred and Ginger. A really nifty sonnet. Although if a sonnet is much to small to keep, what are my poems! Bait?

[FOsen]

I identify with the idea of sonnet as forced march. I also appreciated the melange of references, which reinforce the sense of casting about until the sonnet finds its feet at the turn. I puzzled a bit over some of the extrametrical lines, like L7, which could easily have been more terse, as "Each sentence," but perhaps that was part of the same effect? Many things to like.

Frank

[This message has been edited by FOsen (edited April 21, 2003).]

[Julie Steiner]

Tim, I think it's the beautiful, shimmering idea, and not the sonnet, that's too small to keep. Boy, can I relate to that! Lately all my poetic ideas are pretty small fry. The big ones don't just get away, they can't be bothered to nibble in the first place.

Julie Stoner

[Patricia A. Marsh]

Hm-m-m.

It seemed to me that I'd read this poem somewhere before . . . and, then . . . "Ah, let it go,--" [?]

All best,
Patricia

P.S.
I like, especially, your revisions in Lines 2, 11, 12, and 13, Robert.

;-}

[This message has been edited by Patricia A. Marsh (edited April 21, 2003).]

[robert mezey]

just corrected a typo that you all must have alresdy corrected as you read. It's "dart back" of course.