[Gail White]

SOUNDTRACK

The movies lied. No French horns stormed the gate
of change. No modulation cued a shiver.
No Foley artist paused to isolate
a postman's footsteps, trudging to deliver
the future, with a form for her to sign.
No hand-held-camera closeup framed the word
crisis over a keening oboe line.
No. On the sunlit sidewalk, all she'd heard
was life: his work-sounds, high in the maple tree
in flawless autumn; starlings in the eaves;
rakes on the pavement; gusts of garden chat.
The present, humming absentmindedly.
One crack. Then, in a crash of twigs and leaves,
one cry. The white noise humming after that.

[E. Shaun Russell]

Intriguing! There's a lot to like in this one, but first, a few nits...

I'm not sure why, but seeing "French horns" in the first line put me off a bit. It made me think of France, without meaning to. Also, I can't seem to imagine French horns storming a gate, regardless of context. Perhaps "trumpets" or "bugles" would work better while keeping the same image and meter?

As list poems go, there is far more setup here than payoff. That's not necessarily a bad thing, per se, but after re-reading the poem several times, I'm left thinking that the content didn't exactly require sonnet form. The same impact could probably be achieved with four or five fewer lines. In other words, it feels a bit too padded.

The word "no" is used six times in the first eight lines which is a bit of a (ahem) no-no in my mind. Changing it up with a "nor" here and there might be an idea.

I don't really understand the meaning of L6 and L7. The "word crisis"? Or does the poet mean "the word 'crisis'"? And either way, the metrics of those two lines together is a little off.

I like the non-standard turn in L8. I'm also a big fan of the final two lines, though again, despite some great literary devices, the first twelve lines feel like too much of a build-up.

Ultimately I like this poem, but I think it needs a bit of spit and polish to give it more impact.

[amacrae]

I think this works very well. The headless line 7 didn't bother me at all, but "crisis" needs to be italicized, I think. Quite a dramatic ending...

I'm still debating whether I prefer "a crack" and "a cry" instead of "one crack" and "one cry." Obviously "one" is an attempt to amp up the drama, but part of me says it gets in the way...

A.

[Seree Zohar]

Not qualified to comment on the technical aspects, but this one goosebumps. The 'one' and 'one' of the close seems to indicate the lack of time to do anything about the sudden change and prevent it in any way. I really like the way movie effects are used to show how those artificial warnings are missing in real life.

add-in: loved the French horns aka bugle, with its "announcement" value - at the hunt, at war - at wherever change-of-situation announcements need to be called across distances.

[conny]

I like this, though the preamble is a bit obtuse (if clever).
And the title does no favours really. Man Falls From Tree might
be too much of a spoiler, but something slightly closer to the
goal-line would help a lot, esp. on a first read.
The opening enjamb. is one of those that could feel
like stepping off a unseen change in the floor level.

I like French horn placed where it is in line 1,
and with the follow-on into 2 it all feels slightly
quirky. The sestet at first was a bit of a mystery to me, but
worth the re-reading. I wondered if crisis s/b danger,
or coma even.

davec


p.s.

I take it were not allowed to place money on who wrote what...?

[Catherine Chandler]

I like the looseness of the meter of most of the first 11 lines, leading to the finale. Lots of substitutions. It lends itself to the nonchalance of the day on which the terrible event takes place.

I feel there are a few too many instances of the word `no`, but, then again, repetition is good.

I think the words "crisis" and "work-sounds" are very weak and could be improved upon.

The impact of L13 might possibly be made more immediate by removing the word "One".

Overall, it is a very well-written sonnet, with a terrific ending. With the word "postman" I would guess one of our British, Australian or Canadian friends to be the author.

[Christopher ONeill]

I like the way that the poem fixes on sounds rather than visual images: imagery is so regularly sight-driven that any poem which takes a different route already has some subliminal leverage on the reader.
I also liked the cluttered buildup of seemingly inconsequential detail in the early part of the poem (including the many 'no' s). Since the poem is primarily about how catastrophic events ambush you from a camouflage of inconsequential detail I thought the poem's own flirting with inconsequence was fully justified: particularly when it is so sharply and so suddenly reined in with:

The present, humming absentmindedly.

which is also an example of how effective a verbless sentence can be in a poem.

I couldn't locate the precise historical moment we are viewing here; I suspect the piece would be improved if I could. Perhaps other readers are more sensitive than I.

I very much disliked 'humming' as applied to white noise - I find white noise far too harsh a sound to be considered a hum; and this was exacerbated by the downright masterful absentminded humming of two lines previously.

I think this is a fine piece, but I very much suspect that a considerably finer one winks inside it.

[E. Shaun Russell]

Originally Posted by Christopher ONeill

I very much disliked 'humming' as applied to white noise - I find white noise far too harsh a sound to be considered a hum; and this was exacerbated by the downright masterful absentminded humming of two lines previously.

Not to "crit a crit," but I'm pretty sure that "The present humming absentmindedly" is a personification of a moment, rather than referring back to the white noise mentioned earlier. I could be wrong, of course, but that's my favorite line in the sonnet because of its delightful conceit.

[Jan D. Hodge]

"The movies lie." ? playing the universal (un)truth of movie convention against the very real and specific event presented in the poem, signalled in the immediate change in tense beginning with "stormed."

[Jean L. Kreiling]

A concise and effective and ultimately devastating little drama, this poem reminds me why I love sonnets.

I might have begun "The movies lie," and chosen trombones instead of French horns, and put "crisis" in quotation marks. And I'm not sure about the title. But those are all minor quibbles.

I'm impressed with the quality of the bakeoff thus far! I'm heading into a busy weekend and week, and may not submit crits consistently, but I'll be checking in.

Best,
Jean