A big thanks to everyone, and particularly Julie, for their comments. I had lots of fun with this translation, and I’m delighted that many of you found something to like in it.
I disliked “I am a real Cro-Magnon man” principally because I wanted all of the stanzas to start with “I am a man,” and particularly the first one. But also Cro-Magnon is a bit obscure and is stressed differently in English, making it a clunky word in meter. What would people suggest? Perhaps “I am a man, Cro-Magnon man.” But I still prefer caveman.
On the question of the obscenity, I’m glad people generally like my suggested revision. (And apologies to Martin that in that post I bizarrely christened him Roger). I originally rejected this sort of solution because the first half of the line seemed too many syllables to match the “au fond” of the original. Maybe I constrained myself too tightly with that restriction, since it was clearly possible to fit in extra syllables where needed in such a loose tune.
Probably Julie is right that it should be monkey not ape, for the tail. I changed it largely because I didn’t want words bridging the mid-line pauses. (Effectively I wrote these stanzas as xaxaxbxb, rather than aabb). I see now that was crazily over-restrictive. I’m still stuck with whale for the rhyme though.
Sam, my final version (as sung) was “I explore the question’s core,” which I prefer. If “core” is the part you dislike, I can’t see a good way to reword it without an inversion, like “every question I explore.” Any other possibilities occur? Marion, “win some fights, and yet I fail” sounds good to me, thanks, though rewording this whole stanza is still a possibility.
Skip, I can’t believe anyone actually wants even more rhyme shoe-horned into this thing.
And my bridge does include a hint of internal rhyming devices, with the assonance of I/fire, the consonance of blazing/blistering, and the repetition of world and men.
It’s a fair comment that my translation, with its bitchin’ wheels etc, is more explicity masculine than the original. And maybe that is a loss, but I’m sticking to it. It seems to me that most of the behaviours Zazie was criticizing are predominantly but not exclusively masculine behaviours, and that’s still true in my version.
And yes, I’m aware that I probably went too far with the “boar at bay” line. What can I say? I was having fun, I couldn’t stop myself. Typical Homo sapiens excess (and excuse).
Linear Mode
