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  #1  
Unread 11-10-2015, 09:39 PM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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Default Bake-off Dish I--"Sister Dear"


2015 ERATOSPHERE TRANSLATION BAKE-OFF
MAIN EVENT ENTRY I


Title:

"Sister Dear" ("Schwesterlein")

Lyricist and Composer:

German lyrics and music by Anonymous

Translator's Note:

“Schwesterlein” is an old German folk song. With its haunting melody and poignant lyrics, it’s one of the saddest and most beautiful songs of unrequited love I’ve ever known. Some people might be familiar with the setting composed for it by Johannes Brahms (1833-1897).

Sung Versions:

1.) German lyrics, performed by an unidentified harpist
2.) German lyrics (Brahms arrangement), sung by soprano Irmgard Seefried
3.) German lyrics (Brahms arrangement), sung by tenor Werner Güra
3.) The contestant's English translation, performed a cappella by the Top Secret Yodeler


The Competitor's Translation

SISTER DEAR

Sister dear, sister dear,
When will we go home?
Tomorrow when the roosters crow,
Then to our home we will go.
Brother dear, brother dear,
Then we will go home.

Sister dear, sister dear,
When will we go home?
Tomorrow at the break of day.
Now while there’s merriment, let’s stay,
Brother dear, brother dear,
Until the morning comes.

Sister dear, sister dear,
It is time to take our way.
I’m dancing with my sweetheart dear,
If I go, he’ll dance with her.
Brother dear, brother dear,
Leave me here today.

Sister dear, sister dear,
How pale are you!
It’s just the morning light,
That makes my cheeks so white,
Brother dear, brother dear,
And they’re wet with dew.

Sister dear, sister dear,
Why do you stagger so?
I’m seeking my chamber door,
I’m seeking my little bed once more.
Brother dear, it might be there,
In the earth below.

The Original German Lyrics

SCHWESTERLEIN

Schwesterlein, Schwesterlein,
Wann gehn wir nach Haus?
»Morgen wenn die Hahnen krähn,
Wolln wir nach Hause gehn,
Brüderlein, Brüderlein,
Dann gehn wir nach Haus.«

Schwesterlein, Schwesterlein,
Wann gehn wir nach Haus?
»Morgen wenn der Tag anbricht,
Eh end't die Freude nicht,
Brüderlein, Brüderlein,
Der fröhliche Braus.«

Schwesterlein, Schwesterlein,
Wohl ist es Zeit.
»Mein Liebster tanzt mit mir,
Geh ich, tanzt er mit ihr,
Brüderlein, Brüderlein,
Lass du mich heut.«

Schwesterlein, Schwesterlein,
Was bist du blass?
»Das macht der Morgenschein
Auf meinen Wängelein,
Brüderlein, Brüderlein,
Die vom Taue nass.«

Schwesterlein, Schwesterlein,
Du wankest so matt?
»Suche die Kammertür,
Suche mein Bettlein mir
Brüderlein, es wird fein
Unterm Rasen sein.«

The Translator's Literal English Prose Crib

Sister dear, sister dear,
when will we go home?
Tomorrow when the roosters crow,
then we will go home.
Brother dear, brother dear,
then we will go home.

Sister dear, sister dear,
when will we go home?
Tomorrow at daybreak.
The pleasure is not ended yet
brother dear, brother dear,
of the happy carousing.

Sister dear, sister dear,
now it is time.
My sweetheart is dancing with me.
If I go, he’ll dance with her.
Brother dear, brother dear,
leave me be today.

Sister dear, sister dear,
why are you pale?
It’s the morning sun
on my cheeks,
brother dear, brother dear,
which are wet with dew.

Sister dear, sister dear,
why do you stagger so?
I’m seeking my chamber door.
I’m seeking my little bed.
Brother dear, it might well be
under the grass


Commentary by the Top Secret Yodeler

For the phrases "Sister dear" and "Brother dear", I followed the Brahms version's syncopated timing (shown in the sheet music the competitor provided, and in links 2 and 3), rather than the straight timing of the lovely harpist in the link the competitor provided.

As in the earlier folk song (Bake-off Dish F, "Oh, Ola, Ola, My Love, My Own"), the translation of this folk song frequently varies the meter by adding syllables or rearranging stresses.

I'm not sure if my attempts to vary the voices of the brother and sister were effective, or even noticeable at all.

Commentary by the Top Secret Distinguished Guest:

Although the two narrators frequently address each other by "Sister dear" and "Brother dear", only the brother begins each of his statements with that salutation. The use of quotation marks, as in the provided German text, would have helped me catch on sooner to who was saying what in the translation.

I must confess that on my first reading, I mistook this for a cautionary tale like those in the infamous Struwwelpeter stories (1845), in which -- among other preventable calamities -- a girl who plays with matches burns to death, a boy who sucks his thumbs has them cut off by a scissors-wielding tinker, and an otherwise strong boy who defiantly won't eat his soup wastes away and dies within a few days.

Since 19th-century Germans seem to have enjoyed frightening their children with examples of poetic justice for naughty youngsters, I assumed that this folksong was in the same vein, even if the characters are a bit older: a silly, frivolous fraulein suffers life-threatening consequences, after disregarding her sensible brother's repeated requests not to stay up too late.

The mention of unrequited love in the translator's note thus puzzled me.

It wasn't until subsequent readings that I realized that I had misinterpreted the girl's facial pallor and dampness in Verse 4 as symptoms of an opportunistic microbe attacking her in her exhaustion, which she denies in order to stay at the party. Actually, she and her brother seem to have already left the party at that point, and she is merely putting a brave face on the paleness and tears of emotional distress. In Verse 5 she is either contemplating suicide or just feeling emotionally distraught enough at this moment to think she might die of a broken heart.

Perhaps I'll manage to deflect some of the blame for my confusion, if I say that in Verse 3, the seven syllables of "It is time to take our way" are much less direct and forceful than the four syllables of "Wohl ist es Zeit" (original) or "Now it is time" (crib). That may account for my failure to understand that the conversation of Verse 4 was probably taking place after the brother had succeeded in making his sister abandon her fickle lover to the predations of the "her" mentioned in Verse 3. The original and crib seem much clearer that the brother really means business at that point, even if he has allowed his sister to twice brush off his more diplomatic "When will we go home?" I had assumed that the young woman failed to heed her brother's wordy "It is time to take our way", too, and she thus continued to party until she dropped, delirious.

Have I persuaded anyone that my denseness isn't all my fault? Probably not. Moving on.

Frankly, the use of "sweetheart dear" in a rhyme position was one "dear" too many for me, but otherwise I liked the translator's approximation of the original rhyme scheme:

/

Schwesterlein, Schwesterlein, (Repetend 1)
a
b
b
Brüderlein, Brüderlein, (Repetend 2)
a

/ (R1)acc(R2)a / (R1)dee(R2)d / (R1)fgg(R2)f / (R1)hii(R2)a /

The word "Haus" ("home") appears in the first three "a" positions. The final R2 substitutes the rhyming phrase "es wird fein" for the second "Brüderlein". The translation retains all of the above features (occasionally via off-rhyme), except it employs an "h" rhyme instead of an "a" rhyme in the final line.

I miss the original's occasional use of alliteration (for example, "Freude" and "fröhliche" in Verse 2), which dresses up otherwise simple language.

Another sonic element that the translator did not attempt is the abundance of "ein" sounds in Verses 4 and 5. It would have had different connotations if he or she had, so this is just an observation, not a criticism.

Explanation: The g rhymes in the original Verse 4 are "-ein" rhymes, chiming with the repetends, and there's also an internal chime in "meinen" in S4L4. In Verse 5, the chorus of "ein" continues with an internal "Bettlein", the aformentioned "es wird fein" substituting for the second "Brüderlein", and a final "sein". Quite the ein-fest, and since "ein" means "a, an, one", this may subliminally drive home the sister's aloneness, after she abandons any hope of winning back her beloved's affections.

Last edited by Julie Steiner; 11-10-2015 at 09:42 PM.
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Unread 11-10-2015, 09:59 PM
Skip Dewahl Skip Dewahl is offline
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Stays within the meter quite faithfully, not too much embellishment to a song which keeps it simple, so, good job, but the lines "Now while there’s merriment, let’s stay," and "How pale are you!" need reworking. Again, nicely done.
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Unread 11-10-2015, 10:47 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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I think it is an effective version of the song, which captures the meaning and is quite singable. The rhymes are well handled and the diction seems suitable.

Susan
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Unread 11-11-2015, 04:16 AM
Kyle Norwood Kyle Norwood is offline
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This has an attractive simplicity that matches the original. The metrical variations don't seem to cause any problems; the melody easily accommodates them.
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Unread 11-11-2015, 08:00 AM
Mary McLean Mary McLean is offline
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I also like the simplicity of this. Good appropriate diction, although I shared the TSDG's confusion over the meaning. Quotes would certainly help on a first reading, but I also wondered whether 'sweetheart dear' could be replaced with something like 'the man I adore', because I think the former implies a degree of reciprocity that is perhaps supposed to be lacking. It sent me down the track of thinking she might be dying from complications of an unwanted pregnancy, that perhaps he had been her sweetheart but jilted her when things got complicated. Or maybe that is supposed to be a possible interpretation?
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Unread 11-13-2015, 01:40 AM
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Martin Rocek Martin Rocek is offline
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I think this works very well and captures the original effectively. The Yodeler's singing is lovely! One of my favorites so far.
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Unread 11-18-2015, 04:43 AM
Brian Allgar Brian Allgar is online now
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It's a lovely song, and for the most part the translation seems to fit it quite well. However, there is a sprinkling of added syllables and misplaced stresses that I found slightly jarring.

I agree that it would have helped to retain the inverted commas of the original to make it clear who is speaking.

I also feel that the word "dear" occurs a few times too many. I see that even in the crib, the translator has for some reason suggested "sister dear" instead of the expected "little sister", and it was a pity to use the word "dear" yet again to make a false rhyme with "her" in the third verse.
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