[David Rosenthal]

I have little to add to what others have said. The opening is weak and clearly so just to solve the rhyme scheme. Trimeter is an interesting suggestion -- BdA's direct language is key, and compression in any English translation is important. I am particularly fond of the 2nd and 5th stanzas, though they could use some tweaking here and there.

I think RS's reflection about Balty's simultaneous skewering and celebration of love is spot on. Sounds like a good topic argument for a prose introduction to an English Volume of Salty Balty's stuff, Bob.

David R.

[Adam Elgar]

I'm not sure about "will bear me this" but overall this translation really conveys the verve and wit of the original. Highly enjoyable.

[Kevin Corbett]

This is probably my favorite of all the ones posted so far. It makes me think of Wilbur's translation of "Prayer to Go to Heaven with the Donkeys" (at least least I think that's the title).

[David Rosenthal]

Thanks to everyone for commenting. Thanks to those who voted for me as well. I am always shocked to receive votes in these things. Congratulations to all the other translators, in whose company have been honored to find myself.

Big thanks to Adam for putting on yet another top-notch translation event. Thanks also for passing mine on to Geoff. And of course big, big thanks to Geoff, whose comments have been as attentive, perceptive, and insightful as any we have had in any DG event.

As I said in my decoy post above, I have little to add to the crits. The opening is weak. It is a hell of a rhyme problem there, and hanging on the to rhyme scheme is important to me, especially with this form -- the "slingshot effect" of the envelopes adds to the fun of the refrain. I'll keep at it.

I have thought about trimeter for octosyllabic originals before. And during this past week I worked most of this into a tri version, but I don't like it. The tet in English has a better bounce for the comic effects, I think. I'll also defend the "birthplace" and "bloodline" bits. BdA says Ines is best because she is pretty, ham is best because it is from Aracena (birthplace), and eggplant and cheese because they have ancient Spanish heritage (bloodline). Part of the fun here is the implication that Ines is of questionable background and pedigree. Anyway, I think the solution is to try to get Aracena into the translation.

As for the stanza arrangement -- interesting. I had always seen the poem and translations of it in quatrains, until I found this 1878 Spanish volume on google books. This poem is the first listed on the section headed "Letrillas," which contain poems in this form with an opening quatrain followed by octaves with the rhyme scheme and refrains as I have them here. I have no idea why this should be authoritative, but I like it because it makes the anticipation of the refrain more fun.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone.

David R.

[Roger Slater]

David, what other translations have you seen? My own translation of this poem was the first I ever saw, and yours was the second. I haven't seen a third.

FYI, I was much less ambitious than you about preserving the rhyme scheme. I wrote mine in 4-3-4-3 stanzas, with ABCB rhymes, and I needed every ounce of the extra freedom I allowed myself, so I'm in awe of the standard you held yourself to. But I always feel "light verse," if you accept that term for this poem, does afford the translator a bit more freedom.

My "Three Things" was in the Raintown Review (pre Anna). I suggest you try Redactions for yours, since they once published another longish BdA of mine, and even published the Spanish on facing pages, which suggests that they may be open to more BdA (unless the editors have changed -- it's been a while). It's a nice magazine you might not think of when it comes to formal stuff. http://redactions.com/

Oh, and maybe try Light Quarterly. They published two BdA epigrams of mine, though I seem to recall they turned down my "Three Things" (though I'm not sure).

[Adam Elgar]

Just noting for clarification: Geoff spared me the need to make a cut myself. I passed all the 17 entries on to him, and he did his own selecting - ie. I passed the buck, and Geoff allowed it.

[David Rosenthal]

Adam -- Still, thanks for running a great event, again.

Bob -- I've seen a couple on line. They seem to be done by sort of hobbyists who like the original and are translating for the benefit of English readers, so the translations aren't particularly interesting. I have also seen a couple of literal translations intended as guides for reading the original -- also on line, though I think I may have seen at least one in print.

Meanwhile, thanks for the submission tip, and for your help on this when I first posted it on the Blue Bicycle (good times). BTW, I recently ordered and received a Spanish volume of Salty Balty's work from Barnes and Noble. It turns out it is an ebook of sorts (libros a la carta) from this publisher: www.linkqua.com. They have some other interesting offerings.

David R.

[David Rosenthal]

I forgot to mention that Andrew's comment about "weight" was very insightful, and I will attempt to bring that back into the translation.

David R.