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  #1  
Unread 03-19-2011, 06:42 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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Default Children's Poetry Bakeoff -- #4 Lullaby

A Nursery Rhyme for Shane

Little Shane, little Shane,
see the sudden summer rain,
catching unexpectedly
hummingbird and chickadee.

All the ants must hurry home,
bees buzz back to their honeycomb;
Mommy makes the clothesline spin,
Daddy brings the cookout in.

Jagged streaks of lightning flash,
giant raindrops splish and splash;
rumbling thunder grumbles by,
black clouds tumble through the sky.

Linden leaves turn upside down,
daisies wonder if they'll drown;
gutters gurgle, sidewalks spit --
will there be no end to it?

On the porch the children wait
for the showers to abate;
if the sun comes peeping through,
they may see a rainbow, too!

Soon the grass is glistening green,
the scented air so fresh and clean;
roses blossom velvet-soft,
birds begin to sing aloft.

We see and smell and touch and hear
with more than eye, nose, hand and ear,
little Shane, little Shane,
after a sudden summer rain.
.
.

Last edited by Roger Slater; 03-22-2011 at 10:38 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 03-19-2011, 06:43 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is online now
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Patrick Lewis:
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Another nifty poem that I would like to shorten by a stanza or two. Longer children’s poems, like 4, so popular in de la Mare’s authoritative Come Hither anthology of a century ago, have fallen out of fashion as editors (and parents) insist on brevity. #4 also has the kind of fey Christina Rossetti diction to be found in late 19th and early 20th century poems, not in itself a bad thing, though kid-friendliness may be somewhat sacrificed.
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  #3  
Unread 03-19-2011, 07:26 AM
Martin Parker Martin Parker is offline
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Some good moments but, for my money, too long and twee. One for a doting parent rather than the child -- but perhaps that is who a lullabye is for. I wouldn't know. My mother sang Gracie Fields songs over my cot and obviously I tried as hard as I could to stay awake to listen to them. Apparently at three I knew The Biggest Aspidistra in the World by heart -- soon followed by The Little Pudding Basin that Belonged to Auntie Flo.
Lullabye, schmullabye!
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  #4  
Unread 03-19-2011, 08:24 AM
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Edward Zuk Edward Zuk is offline
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This poem does seem to be a homage to older children's poems. I liked the rhythm, though I did stumble in line 6. Overall, I thought it very good.
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  #5  
Unread 03-19-2011, 08:55 AM
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Spindleshanks Spindleshanks is offline
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I can see the appeal in this for a younger child, though the short tet lines and busy diction may work against it as a lullaby. Cutting the second half of S6 and first half of S7 and bringing the remainder together as the final stanza would help address the length issue, and eliminate the awkward L1&2 of S7.
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  #6  
Unread 03-19-2011, 09:06 AM
Orwn Acra Orwn Acra is offline
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It gets a bit glurgey at times, but there's lots of nice sounds. S5 might as well be cane sugar with its rainbows and children and sunshine and utterly twee exclamation mark. If there is a stanza to delete, it would be that one. The first two lines of S7 come out of nowhere, but I like their sentiment.
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  #7  
Unread 03-19-2011, 09:57 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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Way too twee for me--this does seem a children's poem of yesteryear, and it does go on far too long. There must have been bushels of this stuff churned out at one time and then forgotten.

The first two lines of s7, as Orwn points out, are startlingly substantial.

We see and smell and touch and hear
with more than eye, nose, hand and ear,


They could be the basis for a far more interesting poem, a poem that would have something to really teach children.

Nemo
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  #8  
Unread 03-19-2011, 10:01 AM
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Marybeth Rua-Larsen Marybeth Rua-Larsen is offline
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I was thinking that this didn't feel very much like a lullaby to me, but that might be Roger's label rather than the author's intention. I like thinking about this more as a nursery rhyme and believe that label is more accurate. The repetition of "Shane" makes this feel more like an occasional poem at times, though I'm not generally against names in poems. S5 is the stanza I would trim, and with a bit of nipping and tucking this will be an even stronger piece, though it works well as is.

Marybeth
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Unread 03-19-2011, 10:11 AM
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Ed Shacklee Ed Shacklee is offline
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This is too twee for me, also, but I think I would have loved it as a child of 4 to 7, especially if I was afraid of storms: that's what this poem may be teaching, with its rhythm and descriptions -- not to be afraid of storms, but to appreciate them. I don't have the occasion to read poems to kids, but I suspect this poet does. All the same, though it may be due to my ignorance of what works in these poems, I think the 4th stanza could be taken out without much damage being done.

I wondered how a poet goes about getting into the mind of a child when this bake-off was suggested, but now I think writers of children's poetry don't cold-bloodedly target a specific age range; they may be choosing their words and topics to delight the audience at hand, their own kids or grandkids.

Ed

Last edited by Ed Shacklee; 03-19-2011 at 10:23 AM.
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  #10  
Unread 03-19-2011, 10:48 AM
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Richard Meyer Richard Meyer is offline
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This may be too twee for contemporary taste, as some readers have mentioned, but it is well done twee. And the author does prepare us with the title. There is, I think, a stage in childhood when such a poem would appeal to children, especially because of the sound. Some of the images and metaphors are quite striking, such as gutters gurgle, sidewalks spit.
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