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  #1  
Unread 05-26-2011, 08:45 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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Default French Forms #1--Birthday

Bruce Bennett:
I have decided to lead off the discussion with villanelles because well over a third of those who submitted poems submitted a villanelle. Not surprisingly, just about all of these displayed a high level of craft, so my basis for selection could not be craft alone. As I read and reread them, three continued to stand out, though for different reasons. The two I have chosen to begin with are “Birthday Villanelle” and “Lovechildren.”


BIRTHDAY VILLANELLE

The integers appear and disappear
and take their fractions with them when they go,
but you are more yourself each passing year.

The water makes a jagged rock a sphere
by unrelenting bouts of ebb and flow:
the integers appear and disappear.

The numbers used to be a source of fear,
distracting you from what you've come to know,
that you are more yourself each passing year.

So much that seemed too far, now seems too near;
so much that seems too fast, once seemed too slow;
the integers appear and disappear.

But shedding off your youthful green veneer,
you're only just beginning now to grow,
becoming more yourself each passing year.

Your hands, your arms, your face from ear to ear,
your hips, your breasts, your legs from toe to toe --
the integers appear and disappear,
and you are more yourself each passing year.



“Birthday Villanelle” appealed to me for its seriousness of tone and subject. It may be a commonplace that one becomes “more oneself” as one ages, but it’s still a somewhat startling thought, and the poem gets right to the point. There’s something mysterious about the opening two lines, almost phantasmagoric, as if one is witnessing some magical display. For me they called to mind Hardy’s haunting poem, “Going And Staying,” with its depiction of Time as a sort of windmill with “ghostly arms revolving," ultimately sweeping away everything. The third line, however, brings the reader smack back to the reality of the aging process itself: the sense that one is what one is, only more so.

In stanza two we get an image of that process in action: the "jagged rock" is being worn away to "a sphere." The time frame though is suggestive, since it encompasses a period incalculably longer than any human life. The reader is made aware of a process that could take an eon, and the impression of inexorability is reinforced both by the adjective “unrelenting” and our customary association of the phrase “ebb and flow” with the ceaseless motion of the sea. Then those integers flicker in and out of view again, exemplifying the “ebb and flow.”

There is a certain ambiguity of meaning for me that begins in the third stanza. “The numbers used to be a source of fear”: but when in the past was that true, or for how long a period? Has the speaker now overcome that fear, and, if so, was that as a result of recognizing that it’s a good thing “that you are more yourself each passing year”? Yet, if it’s a good thing, why the apparent negativity in the first two lines of stanza four: “too near” and “too slow” are in the present tense, and would seem to denote a current “source of fear.” Though admittedly puzzled as to how to parse the meaning of these lines in relation to what appears positive about becoming more oneself, I do admire them as writing, the way they neatly change direction at mid-line and turn swiftly into their opposites.

Stanza five begins with a line that seems to me not up to the writing of most of the rest of the poem. The verb “shedding” would normally include “off,” and while I like the idea of “youthful green,” I’m not sure some single word might not serve better as a modifier for “veneer.” Moreover, still uncertain of the logic of stanzas three and four, I don’t know quite know how to take the “But” that begins stanza five.

Finally, the rhymes at the end of the first two lines of the last stanza trouble me. “your face from ear to ear” is not felicitous phrasing (one’s face always extends from ear to ear), nor do I see that detail's direct relation to those “integers” or to becoming more oneself. (Is one’s older face more oneself than one’s younger face?) The same is true for “your legs from toe to toe.”

So, to sum up, although this poem stood out for me and I like very much what it is doing as well as much of the writing of it, I don’t feel finally that it lives up to its full potential.

Last edited by Susan McLean; 05-28-2011 at 08:24 AM.
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  #2  
Unread 05-27-2011, 05:41 AM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is offline
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The use of the word "integers" is quite brilliant here, as the original sense of the word means something like "untouched". Interesting paradox.

That being said, there are a number of areas that could benefit from review and possible revision:

S1 +: The phrase "each passing year" - I've always heard it as "with each passing year", but this would screw up the meter, but it's not that big of a deal to have the "with" understood.

S2: The word "makes" - this needs a better verb.

S3: I'm not as bothered as Bruce is by the "mysterious" aspect of the fear. I think we all know what is meant here.

S4: My favorite stanza, a perfectly rendered idea of the difference between the child's and the aging person's perception of time.

S5: My least favorite stanza. As Bruce mentioned, the word "But" seems out of place, and "shedding" shouldn't take the word "off" after it.

S6: The list of aging body parts is accurate, and I don't mind "ear to ear" for the face, but I have a problem with "toe to toe". Also, I find the repetends in this stanza seem tacked on, when they should (and must), at this point, bring the villanelle to a more poignant close.

However, as a whole, I enjoyed it.
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  #3  
Unread 05-27-2011, 07:56 AM
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Ed Shacklee Ed Shacklee is offline
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It loses a little bit of steam towards the end, but it's really well done. I've never figured out how villanelles work, but this one does.

Ed
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Unread 05-27-2011, 08:15 AM
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Spindleshanks Spindleshanks is offline
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Very nice, but reversing S4 & 5 would improve the logical progress and qualify S6's opening But.

you're only just beginning now to grow, is an exemplary instance of triple redundancy. Only just, just now or only now might pass, but only just now is unforgivable.

Peter
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  #5  
Unread 05-27-2011, 08:22 AM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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I agree that this could use a few tweaks in the final two stanzas: shedding off is clumsy, and legs from toe to toe seems ill-described even though one gets the general idea.

Yet each of the previous stanzas is quite gem-like, richly faceted in a way that is ideal for a villanelle but seldom achieved: rather than being pasted onto the whole, the repetends seem to be reflections that arise out of it, and re-arise out of themselves. Like Catherine I find S4 a really resonant way to express the way our mysterious fears change shape throughout the continuum that is time.

Those first four stanzas are a hard act to follow, but a thorough re-thinking of the final two stanzas could make this really resound. I think the close as its stands now may be trying to put too positive a spin of the entire process--seeking too much closure--where as the poem seems at its best in that realm where reflections of time proliferate and complicate the emotions beyond the contentment of resolution. It maybe be unfortunate that the order of the repetends demands that the final line of the poem be the one and not the other. I'd almost rather be left with the state of appear and disappear, than with the here of the final self. I like to think of that more and more as an infinite process, and the form of the villanelle as contributing to that stream of self.

Oh, and I almost forgot--I detest the title.

Nemo

Last edited by R. Nemo Hill; 05-27-2011 at 08:25 AM.
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Unread 05-27-2011, 09:30 AM
Jean L. Kreiling Jean L. Kreiling is offline
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I found this irresistible right from the start, with the word "integers." The main idea is indeed basic, and there's not as much imagery as I'd normally want, but careful word choices, satisfying rhyme and meter, and straightforward yet fresh statements made this very convincing to me.

I like S4, and its placement just past the middle, as a sort of "Now on the other hand, some might say . . ." clause, with the remaining stanzas providing enough space to reiterate once more the main point.

However, I'm not a fan of S6, L1 and 2; for me, the list of body parts just doesn't fit in, somehow, and as others have noted, "toe to toe" seems a little off.

Oh, and instead of "but shedding off," maybe "but as you shed"??

But mostly, a great use of the form, somehow both spare and full.

--Jean
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Unread 05-27-2011, 09:38 AM
Carol Taylor Carol Taylor is offline
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I think a face can go from ear to ear, but a leg goes from hip to toe rather than from toe to toe. Easy enough to fix. Shedding off could be sluffing (sloughing) off or shucking off or shrugging off. This was probably written as a tribute to someone on her birthday, and as such it is quite lovely. Unfortunately the mention of integers appearing and disappearing in the quatrain seems to refer to the listed body parts.

Carol
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Unread 05-27-2011, 02:52 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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I think the frisky meter contradicts what is meant to be, I guess, serious subject matter. There are a couple of filler lines that sound old and worn out:

distracting you from what you've come to know,

you're only just beginning now to grow


And this line barely squeaks out of the old and worn out shop:

and you are more yourself each passing year.

But the idea at the heart of the poem is good. It just doesn't seem to know which direction to go. I like the more concrete imagery:

The water makes a jagged rock a sphere
by unrelenting bouts of ebb and flow:
the integers appear and disappear.


This line helps tie the poem together:

The numbers used to be a source of fear,

Not wild about this:

So much that seemed too far, now seems too near;
so much that seems too fast, once seemed too slow;
the integers appear and disappear.


Or this:

Your hands, your arms, your face from ear to ear,
your hips, your breasts, your legs from toe to toe --

But I like this very much:

But shedding off your youthful green veneer,
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Unread 05-27-2011, 03:39 PM
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Maryann Corbett Maryann Corbett is offline
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The "integers" line works well for me, both in s1 and as a repetend, though it fits least well in the final stanza. And I'm very fond of line 2, with those disappearing fractions (think of children and how much they value "and a half"!).

I do wish that the second repetend were a more interesting idea, especially as it's the really foundational idea of the poem. That's a bigger problem than the "ear to ear" and "toe to toe" difficulties and the padded quality of "shedding off."

One of the first verities I heard on this forum about villanelles was that their core ideas need to develop as the poem proceeds. I'm going to think longer about whether real development happens here.

By the way, in the course of some google searches I've discovered that poems in this event are showing up in google results. That's not supposed to happen, and I suspect that the needed code to hide them hasn't been used. Could a moderator fix this, maybe? And be sure that the code is inserted for the rest of the poems? Sorry to be a pain in the neck, but it could be important to hide these poems if they're unpublished.

Last edited by Maryann Corbett; 05-27-2011 at 03:47 PM.
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Unread 05-27-2011, 07:06 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is offline
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The title of this poem suggests that it is an occasional verse, and as such it is a charming and graceful praise poem, a form that we don't see a lot in English literature (though I hear that it is quite common, for instance, in Persian poetry). In our tradition, straight praise tends to be taken as sentimental or dull, so many of the famous examples have an edge (Shakespeare's "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun") or an ulterior motive (Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress). For its original purpose, this poem needed neither. But the observation that it starts running out of steam in the last two stanzas comes, I think, from our expectation that the poem will do more than just praise. It is a danger of villanelles, in particular, that they will wind up saying the same thing over and over, and this one does not entirely escape that drawback. That said, I do like the element of surprise in finding mathematical language in a poem, and the idea that becoming oneself is a positive good that can make the rising numbers seem to disappear.

Susan
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