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  #1  
Unread 05-30-2011, 10:51 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
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Default French Forms #11--Straight

Bruce Bennett:
Of three Rondeaux Redouble, I chose “Straighten Up” because of its exuberant and extravagant sarcastic humor. The unfortunate subject/object of this ostensibly loving diatribe is compared successively to a stick and an ape, told to emulate a giraffe and a kangaroo, and ridiculed for being unshaven.


Straighten Up

Your spine juts out, dear. Stand up straight.
You hunch as if you’re ninety-two.
You’re like a stick. Put on some weight.
Who claims you’re human? Only you.

Please wear a shirt on the avenue;
it’s not a pleasant sight. Update
your wardrobe so your charm comes through.
Your spine juts out, dear. Stand up straight.

The giraffe’s a beast to imitate;
you’d have a panoramic view
of all the vistas in the state.
You hunch as if you’re ninety-two.

I’ll bet a bowl of oyster stew
would rapidly rejuvenate
your bounce. You’d be a kangaroo
and not a stick. Put on some weight.

Impossible to overstate
how much the ape down at the zoo
would give in figs to have a date
with someone barely human: you!

You need a shave, hon. Don’t eschew
your friendly razor. Concentrate
and straighten up. Don’t misconstrue
my good advice. Cooperate!
Your spine juts out.

The offending male person here presumably could do something about his wardrobe, his slovenly appearance, his weight, his attitude (he seems to lack “bounce,” apparently joie de vivre, and who can blame him!), and even, perhaps, his posture (though his spine does “jut out”), but the glaringly obvious subtext is that he is unattractively extremely old and, gratuitously, barely human. He needs not only to become somehow “rejuvenated,” but to undergo a complete physical and psychological makeover. One should perhaps not read TOO much into that “oyster stew, “ but oysters are, reputedly, an aphrodisiac.

That’s an accumulated mass of personal issues to be told one must deal with by someone not wholly persuasive in the role of an intimate with only one’s best interests at heart. And whose final stinging words are the same (of course) as the ones that began this catalogue of shortcomings. It’s understandable if we don’t believe this poor guy is going to be able to do much of anything about his various deplorable failings.

So, it’s a pretty harsh poem, but a rollicking put-down, served up with brio and malevolent relish.
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Unread 05-31-2011, 05:54 AM
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Catherine Chandler Catherine Chandler is offline
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I'm afraid I can't share Bruce's enthusiasm for this one. I find it forced in a variety of ways (meter, rhyme, etc.) and really not that witty, nor even that funny.
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Unread 05-31-2011, 10:16 AM
Michael Cantor Michael Cantor is offline
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What Catherine said. "Forced" is exactly the right word. I winced my way through this one. The poem's concept is not brand new or knock-em-dead funny, so it depends on bright word-play and imagery - and "a bowl of oyster stew" and "kangaroo" don't do that for me - too out-of-place to make sense, not absurd enough to be good nonsense. Forced.

Another problem is that there's insufficient arc to the poem - shuffle the stanzas, and (disregarding rhymes and the form) it makes little difference.
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Unread 05-31-2011, 10:34 AM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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I must confess that I have been, ahem, occasionally heard to comment on my tall daughters' determination to slouch, despite the vast amounts of time and money we have spent on their ballet lessons. And yes, I have also, more than once, compared their chosen posture's similarity to a nonagenarian's. So I thought the repetition was effective in capturing the incessant (and ineffective) harping of a nagging mother, and when I smiled I was smiling at myself.

My problem is that some elements of the poem (including the "Who claims you're human? Only you" repetend) cross the line from I-only-say-this-deeply-critical-thing-because-I-love-you-and-want-to-help-you-dear to I-only-say-this-gratuitously-contemptuous-thing-because-you-love-me-and-have-to-stand-there-and-take-it. When the poem slips into the latter territory, I say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's not me anymore," and the humor evaporates.

[And yes, everything really is all about me. All the time.]

So, personally I'd find the poem more enjoyable if the narrator seemed completely innocent, completely unaware of how wounding and exasperating her apparently well-intentioned posture and grooming advice actually is. That would require dialing back the contempt quite a bit. Alternatively, she could allow us only a glimpse of some sadistic and manipulative tendencies, and only near the end of the poem. But I think I'd prefer her to be clueless throughout.

Last edited by Julie Steiner; 05-31-2011 at 11:03 AM.
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Unread 05-31-2011, 10:42 AM
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John Whitworth John Whitworth is offline
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I think BEING VERY RUDE is a perfectly acceptable route for a poem to take. In Scots it is called flyting, and the great William Dunbar indulged in it. Perhaps this isn't rude ENOUGH. But I think it's quite jolly. No, more than quite.
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Unread 05-31-2011, 10:55 AM
Julie Steiner Julie Steiner is offline
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Yes, maybe John's right. The tone of S4-5 (well, and maybe S3 too) departs from the conversational tone of outright nagging and becomes something more literary and stilted. Definitely not rude enough there...

[Hmmm, perhaps a similar poem could be written about a workshopped poem, with individual critics piling on with advice that ranges from helpful to contemptuous. With multiple narrators, the tone shifts wouldn't matter.]
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Unread 05-31-2011, 12:34 PM
Susan McLean Susan McLean is online now
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This is another form that is hard to do without some signs of strain from the demands of the rhyme scheme and repetends. The repetends are slightly varied to accommodate the forward movement, but "your spine juts out" is not a very effective choice for the last line. I would like to see a phrase there that changes its meaning somewhat when repeated. The "oyster stew" and "kangaroo" do seem uneasy fits for the argument, so specific that you wonder why they were chosen, and the answer seems to be for the rhymes. Admittedly, that is hard to avoid in such a long form, but the less they call attention to themselves, the better.

I caught on quickly that the poem is satirizing the kind of person who thinks that sarcastic remarks are helpful, but who is actually making them to be mean. They are so over the top that it would be hard to mistake them for sincere, so something less obviously spiteful and more subtle might be more effective as satire.

Susan
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Unread 06-02-2011, 12:22 AM
David Rosenthal David Rosenthal is offline
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I think John and Julie are the right track here, or the author is -- I like to think the plan was for each stanza to amp up the tone, but I think it need to start amping up sooner and ultimetely amp up higher. But then, maybe that wasn't the plan at all.

I do agree with Susan that the form is hard to pul off without some strain showning through, and I think that is the obvious danger with these forms. I am getting the feeling that avoiding that danger is an exceptionally rare feat. I mean exceptionally rare.

Anyway, this is another poem that I think would benefit from abandoning the constraints of the form. Repetition could be used effectively here without the special requirements of repetends.

David R.
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Unread 06-05-2011, 11:17 PM
Martin Elster Martin Elster is offline
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Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment, and especially to Bruce for choosing this poem as an example of a Rondeaux Redouble. His generous and encouraging commentary made my day. And I loved reading all the other poems and Bruce's comments about them.

Many thanks to Susan, also, for organizing this.

This was the first Rondeaux Redouble I wrote (and was workshopped on the Sphere), and I have since written another (which was also workshopped here).

I used to play in various early music groups (medieval and Renaissance music) and learned a lot of virelai, rondeaux and ballades (among other kinds of early music). Maybe that experience has something to do with why I find French poetic forms fascinating. I find it fun trying to tackle these complex forms, and am grateful for the opportunity to learn more about how they work.

Best wishes,
Martin
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