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  #1  
Unread 08-12-2011, 07:59 AM
Elle Bruno Elle Bruno is offline
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Default DG Poem #1 Nervous Breakdowns

Nervous Breakdowns
Tiffany Krupa

They happen at the nail parlor,
between your thumb and index finger
fire engine red with a quick-dry gloss coat
and all of a sudden, you are laughing, or screaming
and the thin, effeminate man holding the brush starts
speaking in Korean really fast, over his shoulder.

Or, in the cleaning supply aisle, while
your chewing over the unit price
holding the wrong coupon, and then,
there's a yellow puddle at your feet,
an empty bottle of Mr. Clean in your hand, and some guy,
doing his mother's shopping, quickly backing away...

In the middle of a meeting, your doodling,
when the person sitting next to you starts crying loudly;
you look around and everyone is frozen, so
you put your pen down, rise slowly, take his hand
in yours, gesture toward the door; smiling, you whisper
I understand, dear. I know. Let's get out of here.
You leave the building, your lone shadow striping the sun.
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  #2  
Unread 08-12-2011, 09:15 AM
Roger Slater Roger Slater is offline
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First of all, the word "your" is used twice when it should be "you're".

I think the third strophe is the strongest, so much so that the first two strophes could be omitted without inflicting too much damage on the poem.

I'm not finding the list of where "they happen" in S1 and S2 to be spot-on. I suppose the point is that they can happen just about anywhere, but that doesn't stop the examples from seeming a bit random. Instead of the nail parlor, it could have been the car wash. Instead of the cleaning supply aisle, it could have been Radio Shack. None of the actual details (the man is thin, the detergent is Mr. Clean, the guy backing away was shopping for his mother, etc.) seem to contribute to the emotion of the poem or layer on any perceptible subtext. Are they triggers of the breakdown? Not that I can tell.

I suppose there may be a suggestion that these examples are all united by being the (arguably) boring mundane tasts of everyday life, and so perhaps the breakdowns are triggered by a sudden sense of oppression, but if this is the poet's intention I'm not getting a strong enough sense of it.

Another discontinuity between S3 and S1/S2 is in the pronouns. In S1/S2, the "you" is having the hypothetical breakdowns, but it S3 the "you" is helping the person who has the breakdown.

I am confident others will feel differently, but I've talked myself into suggesting that S3 is the entire poem, and not a bad one at that.
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  #3  
Unread 08-12-2011, 10:44 AM
Richard Meyer's Avatar
Richard Meyer Richard Meyer is offline
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Some of the points Roger brings up also occurred to me. L6 in S3, since it's dialogue, would look better, I think, in italics: I understand, dear. I know. Let's get out of here.

I like this detail:

and some guy,/doing his mother's shopping, quickly backing away.

That line carries a strong visual and emotional kick to it.

Richard
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  #4  
Unread 08-12-2011, 10:58 AM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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I'm amazed by the two "your" for "you're", as if the poem itself had a nervous breakdown. I love the whole poem, its vulnerability, pictures, details.

Why an ellipsis here and not in the first stanza?
doing his mother's shopping, quickly backing away...

I love how the speaker splits into two. We know there's only one person (split in two) because of the "lone shadow."
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  #5  
Unread 08-12-2011, 11:02 AM
Elle Bruno Elle Bruno is offline
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Hello Tiffany.
Fun being first, huh?

I like this poem a lot.
i think it captures that nervous, edgy, oh-crap-it's-happening-now feel of a panic attack.
In fact, I think Panic Attacks is a more apt title, rather than Nervous Breakdowns.
Cumulatively, enough panic attacks can create a nervous breakdown I'm sure,
but in the meantime we are stuck with the mean time of being hit with an attack at the worst possible moment.
I think with some changes this poem could really shine.
Some reactions, suggestions, thoughts.

They happen at the nail parlor,
between your thumb and index finger
This is a strong opening. Boom.
I can feel how stuck N is. 8 fingers to go and she's not going to make it

fire engine red with a quick-dry gloss coat
nice choppy language.
Love the fire engine with the underthought of 'emergency'
Love the quick-dry gloss coat. Angry & urgent
I ge the impression of a tightly wound woman about to let go

and all of a sudden, you are laughing, or screaming
and the thin, effeminate man holding the brush starts
speaking in Korean really fast, over his shoulder.
The foreign language adds to the surrealism of the experience

I would suggest changing:
you are laughing or screaming
to something like:
you're trying hard not to laugh or scream

V 2 feels weaker, although the scene is good:

Or, in the cleaning supply aisle, while
your chewing over the unit price
holding the wrong coupon, and then,
there's a yellow puddle at your feet,
an empty bottle of Mr. Clean in your hand, and some guy,
doing his mother's shopping, quickly backing away...

Perhaps a few changes to heighten effect:

Or in the cleaning supply aisle,
chewing over the unit price
and clutching the wrong coupon, and then
there's a yellow puddle at your feet,
an empty bottle of Mr. Clean in your hand,
and some guy quickly backing away...


V3 is good.
I like how N recognizes this happening to someone else.
And acts.

In the middle of a meeting, your doodling,
when the person sitting next to you starts crying loudly;
you look around and everyone is frozen, so
you put your pen down, rise slowly, take his hand
in yours, gesture toward the door; smiling, you whisper
I understand, dear. I know. Let's get out of here.
You leave the building, your lone shadow striping the sun.

I'd work on tightening the last V.
I find cutting the last line usually helps -it does here.
voila:

Or you're doodling the middle of a meeting,
when the person next to you starts to weep;
you look around and everyone is frozen, so
you put your pen down, rise slowly, take his hand.
Smiling, you whisper:
I understand, dear. I know.
Let's get the hell outa here.


I hope my comments help, Tiffany
Thanks, Elle
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  #6  
Unread 08-12-2011, 04:23 PM
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R. Nemo Hill R. Nemo Hill is offline
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I like this too, Tiffany.

I agree with Mary about the ellipsis in S2, not necessary.

Elle is right, the opening is very strong!

I think the construction in S2L3 is a little lame: and then. I'd consider just making a full stop and using a more dynamic transition.


Or, in the cleaning supply aisle, while
your chewing over the unit price
holding the wrong coupon. You look down.
There's a yellow puddle at your feet,
an empty bottle of Mr. Clean in your hand, and some guy,
doing his mother's shopping, quickly backing away.



I agree with Richard about the italics in S3. And I'd trade the second semi colon for a full stop.


In the middle of a meeting, your doodling,
when the person sitting next to you starts crying loudly;
you look around and everyone is frozen, so
you put your pen down, rise slowly, take his hand
in yours, gesture toward the door. Smiling, you whisper
I understand, dear. I know. Let's get out of here.
You leave the building, your lone shadow striping the sun.


I think I do like the term nervous breakdown more than panic attack. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that panic attack belong too much to more contemporary psychological jargon: it's too knowing. I prefer a vaguer diagnosis of nebulous freak out.

I don't think the poem is too long. I think it's just right.
And I love the note on which it ends--for the visual manner in which it resolves, as Mary points out, the narrator's self-division.

Nemo

Last edited by R. Nemo Hill; 08-12-2011 at 04:26 PM.
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  #7  
Unread 08-12-2011, 04:41 PM
dorianne laux dorianne laux is offline
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Thank you all for joining up and sending so many wonderful poems for us to work with. I like Tiffany’s Nervous Breakdowns and agree with a lot of what people have had to say. I also had some trouble with the fist two stanzas, though I think the poem needs to show the speaker having her own bouts of disassembling so it can lend some emotional impact to her rising to help the man in her office while all others sit there “frozen”. I wonder if it would help to collapse those first two stanzas, adding a small list of other possible locations. I like the idea of jumbling it up a bit, more strangely moving from one detail to another. I pulled out the screaming and laughing as we already know from the title that the speaker is in distress, and I think it a good move to underplay emotions. I also repositioned that yellow puddle so it’s more firmly connected to the Mr. Clean bottle (not to be mistaken for the speaker urinating on the floor, which I don’t think she intends). A good question was asked about the speaker’s “trigger” for these breakdowns. Could the poem begin with a line like: After I lost the baby, they happened at.... but that might be too much considering the tone of the poem as it now stands. Maybe something more general, like: After I turned fifty... or After the divorce... something most could connect to. I also dumped the final line- the speakers voice there is more powerful for me than the move outside. Anyhow, these are a few quick thoughts, along with a re-visioning of the poem below. Thanks for the poem Tiffany. This is a great subject for a poem. --d

Nervous Breakdowns – T.M.K.

They happen at the nail parlor,
or in the cleaning supply aisle,
the hardware store, the bank,
between your thumb and index finger,
fire engine red with a quick-dry gloss coat,
holding the wrong coupon, dropping
a bottle of Mr. Clean, a yellow puddle
spreading at your feet, and the woman
holding the brush starts speaking in Korean
really fast, the young man calls to someone
over his shoulder, quickly backing away...

In the middle of a meeting, you’re doodling,
when the man in a rumpled suit starts crying;
you look around and everyone is frozen, so
you put your pen down, rise slowly, take his hand
in yours, gesture toward the door, whispering
I understand, dear. I know. Let's get out of here.
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  #8  
Unread 08-12-2011, 07:39 PM
Edmund Conti Edmund Conti is offline
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I would prefer "Panic Attacks" to "Nervous Breakdowns" as a title. I think of the former coming on you quickly and the latter developing more slowly. But what do I know? I never did get that Phd in psychobabble. Who, by the way, is having the attack in the last stanza? A different person.

Anyway, nicely drawn situations and entertaining. What more do you want?
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  #9  
Unread 08-12-2011, 07:57 PM
dorianne laux dorianne laux is offline
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Wiki definition of panic attack vs nervous breakdown

Panic attacks are periods of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset[1] and of relatively brief duration. Panic attacks usually begin abruptly, reach a peak within 10 minutes, and subside over the next several hours. Often those afflicted will experience significant anticipatory anxiety and limited symptom attacks in between attacks, in situations where attacks have previously occurred. The effects of a panic attack vary. Some, notably first-time sufferers, may call for emergency services. Many who experience a panic attack, mostly for the first time, fear they are having a heart attack or a nervous breakdown.[2] Experiencing a panic attack has been said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences of a person's life and may take days to initially recover from.[3] Repeated panic attacks are considered a syndrome of panic disorder. [4] Screening tools like Panic Disorder Severity Scale can be used to detect possible cases of disorder, and suggest the need for a formal diagnostic assessment. [5] [6]

nervous breakdown

Mental breakdown (also known as a nervous breakdown) is a non-medical term used to describe an acute, time-limited phase of a specific disorder that presents primarily with features of depression or anxiety.[1]
The terms "nervous breakdown" and "mental breakdown" have not been formally defined through a diagnostic system such as the DSM-IV or ICD-10, and are nearly absent from current scientific literature regarding mental illness.[1][2] Although "nervous breakdown" does not necessarily have a rigorous or static definition, surveys of laypersons suggest that the term refers to a specific acute time-limited reactive disorder, involving symptoms such as anxiety or depression, usually precipitated by external stressors.[1]
Specific cases are sometimes described as a "breakdown" only after a person becomes unable to function in day-to-day life due to difficulties adapting.[3]
Causes of such breakdowns are varied. A 1996 study found that problems with intimate relationships, such as divorce or marital separation, contributed to 24% of nervous breakdowns.[4] Problems at work and school accounted for 17% of cases, and financial problems for 11%. Surveys suggest that in the United States, health problems have decreased in importance as a contributor to nervous breakdowns, as these accounted for 28% of nervous breakdowns in 1957, 12% in 1976, and only 5.6% in 1996.[4] Though in themselves, nervous breakdowns are considered a "health problem" by most professionals.
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  #10  
Unread 08-12-2011, 09:27 PM
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Mary Meriam Mary Meriam is offline
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Not sure if it's ok to come back and defend the poem?

I'm in the "nervous breakdown" camp - like Nemo, I'm not sure why - maybe for the reason he says. I think the poem has masterful comic timing; there's a droll undertone that shows the speaker isn't really nuts. Like in these lines, which are also a deft character sketch:

and the thin, effeminate man holding the brush starts
speaking in Korean really fast, over his shoulder
.

I think the "yellow puddle" as pee is another case of deliberate comic timing, with more of a shock effect. And another deft character sketch:

an empty bottle of Mr. Clean in your hand, and some guy,
doing his mother's shopping, quickly backing away...


It's clear to me that "the person sitting next to you" is the side of the speaker having a breakdown, while the other half is the kind and helpful one. Again, I think this last stanza is a masterful compression of character, plot, emotion, image. The final image in the last line is stunning. The poem speaks for itself and doesn't need any justification.

In the middle of a meeting, your doodling,
when the person sitting next to you starts crying loudly;
you look around and everyone is frozen, so
you put your pen down, rise slowly, take his hand
in yours, gesture toward the door; smiling, you whisper
I understand, dear. I know. Let's get out of here.
You leave the building, your lone shadow striping the sun.
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