[Elle Bruno]

Tall
xxxMike Lane

We all thought I was dead.
I’d hit my head hard
on the edge
of the porch step,
falling backward

off my stilts.
They were an irresistibly dangerous
lure to heaven
or hell.
Perhaps Godxx is concrete.

The wound was beautiful.
As it bled it hollowed me,
made room
for the easy sweetness of summer.

[Alex Pepple]

Hello Mike,

There's something likeably macabre, ghostly and spiritual about this all at once. The opening 'We' gives us an insight into the speaker participating in his own near-death experience. However, I can't quite figure out the 'They' in S2L2. If it refers back to the 'We' of S1L1 minus the speaker, then it's not quite working for me. One possible resolution is linking back more tightly to the opening sentence/event, e.g.

...
falling backward

off my stilts,
an irresistibly dangerous
lure to heaven
or hell.

The last stanza is inspired and is a definite keeper. Good luck with this!

Cheers,
...Alex

[Mike Lane]

Hi Alex,

the 'they' refers to the stilts.

Glad to have your input here, it is pretty tight that way, thanks!
Mike

[Elle Bruno]

Hi Mike,
This is a bittersweet nugget of memory.
I can picture the crowd of neighborhood kids hanging out,
early in the summer,
with all the time in the world to try something crazy like stilts.
The poem starts with a bang and ends on a pang.
Well done.

I think Alex has something in eliminating 'they' from the V2L2
Is 'easy' needed in the last line?
Sweetness kinds of implies an easygoing openness.
You decide.
Happy to see this one again, Elle

[dorianne laux]

Hi Mike- It's clear others have seen earlier drafts of this poem and it has a very finished feeling. Ditto on the expulsion of the "they were". I love everything about this big little poem, except the "or hell" line. It's such a simple, direct, free falling thing, and the "or hell" stops me when what I need is to careen headlong into that gloriously funny association: "Perhaps God is concrete." Elle says it best: Bang and pang. Thanks Mike.

[John Riley]

I really like the opening line. I like the whole poem but really like that opening line.

I agree with what has been said about "They," but can see it's a challenge, even more so if you want to keep "lure" singular and have a complete sentence. But I do think as it is now "They" could refer back to "We" as well as to the stilts.

Did I say I like the poem?

John

[Seree Zohar]

I like this too, strong opening and close, I agree with Alex's edit, and the only other word I dont like is 'perhaps'. I'd love to see that concrete line linked some other way.

[RA Dusenberry]

Mike - Good to see this again. Lose hell, I think - it's not needed. I had no confusion on what they were but I don't know if that's because I've seen this before and knew.

Oh and you could bring up part of the last line - or not.

The wound was beautiful.
As it bled it hollowed me,
made room for the easy
sweetness of summer.

Annie

[dorianne laux]

How's this:

falling backward

off my stilts:
irresistibly dangerous
lures to heaven.

And I like the line breaks,

The wound was beautiful.
As it bled it hollowed me,
made room
for the easy sweetness of summer.
-/-/--
--/-/--
//
--/-/--/-

[RA Dusenberry]

Oh, I like them too - was just screwing around. Seeing what might happen.

Annie