[Lance Levens]

For man also knoweth not his time. (Ecclesiastes 9:12)


the silver cord
the broken lamp
the overboard
the firedamp

the golden bowl
the unbeknown
the grassy knoll
the chicken bone

the shivered wheel
the shattered jar
the broken keel
the cattle car

the poor, the rich
the swift, the slack
the fool, the bitch
the heart attack

the weak, the strong
the sisters grim
the toll, the gong
the seraphim

remember Him

[Tim Murphy]

Fully rhymed dimeter is not easy, and I should know. This poem resolves the problem of weaving complex sentences through the form, which is hard, by giving us a list in which the images resonate powerfully with one another.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Even an unbeliever can register the skill and respectfully appreciate the message here. Very nice work.

[R. Nemo Hill]

I seem to be the official Agent of Last Line Amputation for this bake-off.
In this case that line seems unnecessary overkill, the epigraph and the last word seraphim being sufficient to steer the list.

Nemo

[Rick Mullin]

I agree. The last line is too explicit. And easy. It pulls the rug out from under a decent stack. Another way of saying, perhaps? Or not saying it?

Tim, I am interested in why rhymed dimeter is such a tough form. The trick, it seems, would be to use the form for something other than a light or witty list.

[Janice D. Soderling]

I wholeheartedly second Nemo and Rick. I wanted to say that myself, but did not dare.

[Orwn Acra]

Yes, maybe drop the last line...

It didn't particularly bother me. It seems that, like a haiku's third line, people want to use the end of a list poem to summarize what came before. The poem sounds great. The items are sequenced to tell a story. It is a fine poem.

[Jesse Anger]

This instantly put me in the mind of this, one of the greatest songs ever by Leonard, which is based on a Jewish prayer -- here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI7cB0CngJQ&noredirect=1

If you've never listened to this song, trust me, it's worth the 3 minutes, for the accompaniments alone.

I think the last line can go too. Yes Rick, using the dimetric swing for something other than a list is more of a challenge. Lists are best when the meanings shift in their places, that's why the idea around which we build the list must be supple, for me anyways in my perfect world that's how it is.

This one has a progression built in, from sliver cord to seraphim -- cord being a nice play on the umbilical, which can strangle, to an angel in the end.

I like this quite a bit.

J

[John Whitworth]

I've done a couple of these but much lighter and much shorter. The short lines practically write the poem for you. I rejoice to agree with so many here and suggest the excision of the last line. But I only suggest. Like Orwn, I didn't find it a problem, one way or the other. While I'm excising I'll take out the epigraph too. The silver cord and the golden bowl do the work already.

[Rick Mullin]

The third stanza is much improved!