[Steve Mangan]

[Vernon Sims]

I like the painting and the sentiment, but I'm not sure I' "get" it.

[Astrid Pepler]

This is haunting and an inspiring Tanka.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Steve, I am not at all familiar with the tanka or what it is supposed to do so my comment are probably not worth much.

But to help myself and others along, here is what I found out from poets.org.

The Japanese tanka is a thirty-one-syllable poem, traditionally written in a single unbroken line. A form of waka, Japanese song or verse, tanka translates as "short song," and is better known in its five-line, 5/7/5/7/7 syllable count form.

(…) Tanka’s economy and suitability for emotional expression made it ideal for intimate communication; lovers would often, after an evening spent together (often clandestinely), dash off a tanka to give to the other the next morning as a gift of gratitude.

In many ways, the tanka resembles the sonnet, certainly in terms of treatment of subject. Like the sonnet, the tanka employs a turn, known as a pivotal image, which marks the transition from the examination of an image to the examination of the personal response. This turn is located within the third line, connecting the kami-no-ku, or upper poem, with the shimo-no-ku, or lower poem.

As a poem I think it works, but I am not sure it fulfills these rules above (or IF the poet thinks it necessary for it to). Eve-ning has two syllables, though a dialect vestige causes me to sometimes pronounce it with three.

There is a turn where the poet moves from an idea (if not an image) to a response.

I don't know if tankas have titles, I am inclined to doubt it but am willing to be corrected. I am not keen on the title, the Job reference isn't necessary IMO. The taiga reference (is this a complaint about global deforestation?) falls flat. A titleless presentation would impress me more though the thought strikes me now that the "title" might be for the painting and not the tanka. In such case I withdraw my complaint and apologize for taking up your time.

My reading is that irony is intended. There is an implication of "only" in "god alone" that only god, not humans, found it "good"and an added ambiguity/irony perhaps that god stands separate from his/her creation. All this I like. A lot.

But, in sum, IMO the part is greater than the whole (i.e. sans title).

The painting is very nice and adds to the poem. IMO, though my exhausted eyes found it very difficult to read the tanka as it is positioned. Strong young eyes not held captive to a screen for decades might not have that problem.

I appreciate that you have presented us with a new form to explore.

We have noted Japanese experts among us and one may step forth soon and tell me that I have misinterpreted everything.

Good to see you posting again.

[Steve Mangan]

Ah, nearly missed this -- thought it had dropped out of sight -- thank you for your comments.

Re., the form: Japanese tanka have 31 'on' -

http://100poems-100poets.blogspot.co...nka-parts.html

However, a 'falling short' or 'going over' for intended effect is an acceptable poetic device which can occasionally be found in Japanese waka/tanka.

English syllables are longer than these Japanese sound units though, and in contemporary english language tanka less is not only acceptable but encouraged (more likely to get accepted for publication in an english tanka/haiku magazine for example).

Although I do tend to pronounce ee-ve-ning as three syllables, I was only counting it as two (eve-ning) -- so both the first and the last fall short (4 and 6 syllables respectively, instead of 5 & 7).

The kakekotoba (pivot) can happen on the third line (and refer to the third line), or on a word (of a punning nature) which may appear on other lines (sometimes there are several punning words).

Some examples here:

http://100poems-100poets.blogspot.com/

(As I have been writing a lot of tanka recently I have been attempting translation of these classical Japanese waka to try and develop a greater sense for the Japanese form).

Tanka are generally untitled - the title here is for the combination of painting with tanka. The title was 'Answer to Job'; the 'tiger in my tanka' a descriptive aside (an image with tanka is called a 'taiga', an image with a haiku a 'haiga').

I agree about the title, and dropped it since first posting this (selling it by its first line instead -- there was evening).

My reading is that irony is intended. There is an implication of "only" in "god alone" that only god, not humans, found it "good"and an added ambiguity/irony perhaps that god stands separate from his/her creation.

That sounds about spot on with my intentions. Thank you very much for your comments.

[Janice D. Soderling]

Thanks for further elucidation. I am always ready to learn.

Congratulations to you, Steve.

[Vernon Sims]

Thanks for the explanations. I am still uncertain but the irony makes some sense, as the truly great irony in Job is that he was not Jewish but suffered anyway.

[Sharon Passmore]

Hi Steve,
I apologize for not seeing this when you posted it.

This is an interesting layout. I see an amorphous face of clouds in the background with the lightning emerging from the mouth. It looks like it was intended but, if it was not, it's all the more interesting.

The bright lightning and the black lettering balance each other well and their high contrast bring them forward visually, enhancing the feeling of forward motion. The feeling of forward motion is also played up by the scale of your elements, the clouds, lightning and text creating a background, middle ground and foreground, respectively. The typeface works very well.

Thanks for posting this,
Sharon

[Steve Mangan]

Thank you Sharon, Vernon, Janice, Astrid