[John Whitworth]

OK Sphereans. After that last Speccie glugger which even Jim balked at (or perhaps not), here is something we can all try. I'm working on mine and will reveal it to a waiting world very soon. The closing date is not far away, but surely far enough. Let's show the English toffs what we cn do. Perhaps we have an English toff here. If so, show US, sir or madam.

No. 2575: Last Noel
Christmas traditions are coming increasingly under fire. You are invited to submit a carol entitled ‘The Last Noel’ (maximum 16 lines). Entries to ‘Competition 2575’ by Friday 5 December or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.

[Jim Hayes]

Off we go again!

Looking at the efforts you guys sent, sigh.

The Last Noel



The last Noel, the bankers did say
was to certain poor debtors when they didn’t pay.
Caught up in the market behaving like sheep,
it’s not ‘Merry Christmas’ if you’re in too deep.

The last Noel, our records will say,
was having a mortgage you cannot repay.
The day is long gone when money was cheap
repayments are mounting and interest is steep.
Mr Claus Esq., you ignored our demands
now the matter is totally out of our hands.

The last Noel, our solicitor’s letter
is to wit, aforesaid, and threatening you’d better
repay with interest, the money we lent,
with foreclosing on Christmas our stated intent.
Mr Claus Esq., you ignored our demands
our lawyers now act. We don’t dirty our hands.









[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited December 03, 2008).]

[R. S. Gwynn]

Lines recalled from my dissolute youth:

The Last Noel

Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear
Sees his last double-star
While Good King Wenchless sails away
In search of Orient-R.

The fairy-gentlemen
Are rested and are well
And walk in women's underwear
Ringing a jungle bell.

Poor Rudolph won't find Gram,
Runned-over just last year,
And Mark, the herald, looks around
And spies the Midnight Queer.

Old "Silent" Knight, for once,
Has found his voice. Says he:
"That round young Virgin cannot reach
The pot roast in the tree!"

[Susan McLean]

Good one, Sam! I was laughing loudly.

Susan

[John Whitworth]

OK Here's the one I sent. The Carol is, I hope obviously, 'God rest you merry, gentlemen'. I like Sam's best.

Competition No. 2575: Last Noel

A very merry winterval
We wish to you and yours.
May nothing disagreeable
Mute rational applause.
And Multifaith, that bloodless wraith,
Will underpin the cause.
Oh my friends here’s the buzz, Christmas ends, yes it does,
Christmas ends, all the trends say it does.

Come all free-thinking citizens
And hasten to the shops.
Recalibrate your orisons
To larger lollipops.
So form the queues for scoff and booze;
Consumption never stops,
Oh my friends, tell you what, Christmas ends, every jot,
Christmas ends, but the spends they do not.