Mid-Life Limericks

I’ve learned to pretend that I am
a graying, compassionate lamb.
It appears that I care,
but in fact when I stare
at you blankly I don’t give a damn.

From my photos I know it appears
I’ve been losing my hair through the years.
But I’m not—there’s no lack
on my belly or back.
I’ve got hair coming out of my ears.

I don’t drink to excess anymore,
and I work at the gym till I’m sore.
I’m trimmer and stronger,
and I’ll likely live longer,
but would someone remind me what for?

We should lay in provisions for snow
like the pioneers. Darling, we know
that our winter supply
very soon will run dry,
and knees aren’t the first things to go.