If I Was a Boy With a Big Rubber Hat

by Washington Snow

If I was a boy with a big rubber hat,
I couldn’t get beaned by the ball when I bat.
A bird couldn't poop on my head with a splat.
If I was a boy with a big rubber hat.

If I had a purple titanium shirt,
I bet you my elbows would never get hurt
Or ever get covered with grass-stain or dirt,
If I had a purple titanium shirt.

If I was a kid with some springs on his shoes,
I’d jump even higher than wild kangaroos.
They’d probably write about me in the news,
If I was a kid with some springs on his shoes.

If I wore some spongidy foam dungarees,
I couldn’t get scratches all over my knees.
I’d never get stung on my bottom by bees,
If I wore some spongidy foam dungarees.

If somebody gave me some jet-powered socks,
I wouldn’t be frightened of gators or crocs.
I’d zoom up above ‘em and bop ‘em with rocks,
If somebody gave me some jet-powered socks.

If I had a pair of pajamas of steel,  
A monster could never have ME for a meal;
I wouldn’t awake from my dreamings, and squeal,
If I had a pair of pajamas of steel.

If I could make lightning come out of my glove,
The bullies I meet wouldn’t give me a shove
And I could protect all the people I love,
If I could make lightning come out of my glove.

But I am a grandfather, older than fifty,
And none of my stuff is exciting or nifty.
My knees are not bendy; my back isn’t lifty.
Cause I’m just a grandfather, older than fifty.

I drive at the speed limit, comb my hair flat,
Check all my locks, and avoid eating fat,
Then lie in my bed late at night, wishing that
I was a boy with a big rubber hat.

Washington Snow, whose verse has appeared in Folly,  is a furniture craftsman from Rome, Georgia.