Fitting The Crime

There was a traveling salesman and of course his car broke down
beside a farm with nowhere else to go
and so he knocked and asked if he could make a call to town
but everywhere was closed and don’t you know:

“The only bed available is in my daughter’s room,”
the farmer said, “and she’s a comely wench
but, if you mess with her tonight, prepare to meet your doom
tomorrow for I’ll grab you ear and wrench

you out into the yard and there I’ll strip you like a jaybird
and hang you from the clothes-line by your thumbs.”
But when the salesman went to bed, who roused him but the wayward
daughter with a condom and two rums?

At breakfast-time the salesman was consumed with pangs of guilt
and felt he must be honest with his host.
“I want to take my medicine”. When all the beans were spilt
they had some scrambled eggs and whole-wheat toast.

The farmer was reluctant but at length he saw the light,
agreeing that the two had made a pact -
the salesman had been naughty; even though he was contrite
the thumbs deterrent must be kept intact.

The farmer hung him naked by the thumbs upon the line
and said, “I’m off to market. See you soon.”
The salesman said, “Enjoy yourself. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
At market, prices took off to the moon

which gave the farmer ample cause to have a celebration
with all his cronies at “The Stag and Doe”
and somehow time dissolved into the farmer’s next libation
while darkness fell and it began to snow.

Near closing time the farmer looked outside and thought, “My God,
that salesman will be frozen stiff and blue!
Although he poked my daughter he was quite a pleasant sod -
I hope that I arrive before he’s through!”

The farmer drunk-drove rapidly. He swerved into the farm
and saw the salesman emanating steam -
his head was slumped, his eyes were closed, sweat glistened on each arm.
The farmer, quite non-plussed, began to scream:

“Are you alive? What happened here? I’m sorry that I’m late.
I left when I could still have had another.
You’re hot although it’s snowing. How? Oh please resuscitate.”
The salesman moaned, “That calf must have no mother.”

Heredity

A couple of bears go into a bar and greet
the barman saying; “ Give us a whiskey……..neat”.
And the barman says, “Why the big pause, do tell”
“We don’t know, our father had them as well”

I haven't been over to this thread in an age. Some of these are terrific. Carol, you were going to google up some joke book publishers. Hae ye done so, Lass?

Just to keep the pot simmering;

On The Rack

A man in hospital lying still
in an oxygen mask is afraid he’s ill,
a nurse arrives, pretty and sweet,
and starts to sponge his hands and feet.

“Nurse” he mumbles behind the mask
“There is a favor I have to ask—
check are my testicles black” He said.
The young nurse burned a shade of red.

“I can’t do that”, Was her plaintive bleat;
“I’m only here to wash hands and feet”.
He struggles to speak and sounding worse;
“See are my testicles black. Please..nurse”.

She pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
handles his penis and looking down,
fondles his testicles and says “Ahem,
I really can see nothing wrong with them”.

The man pulls the mask off his mouth and replies;
“Thank you nurse, that was really quite nice,
but I just want to know— I’m stretched on a rack—
tell me, please, are..my..test..results..back?”


Jim



[This message has been edited by Jim Hayes (edited June 23, 2004).]