Nursery Rhyme
 

George, Michael, Ian, Nigel,
And Boris (fitting name!)
Five somewhat useful idiots
All playing Putin's game.

But now another President
Has shot their fox, it's clear
The five deluded poodles
Should quietly disappear.

Texas cop: I’d beat a trans woman unconscious if she tried to share a bathroom with my daughter

North Carolina fight over transgender rights, bathroom bills could be coming to Texas


Tracy takes on the Transgenders

A lawman from Texas called Tracy
was recently heard to confess:
A man is a man is a man, see?
I don’t care if he’s wearing a dress.

So if ever I find a transgender
in a restroom while my daughter’s there,
I will take up my right to defend her,
and he'll wake up in intensive care,

Old Tracy was quick to take action,
stood guard at the Ladies' room door
I’ll put any tranny in traction,
was the oath that our brave Tracy swore.

Now Martha was manly of feature,
(and we all make mistakes, let’s be fair).
She was also a martial arts teacher.
Tracy woke up in intensive care.

He returned having learned from his failure;
his flawless new plan showed great flair:
Will you ladies please show your genitalia?
And he woke up in intensive care.

That night back at home after drinking,
in a moment of self-doubt and shame,
our policeman had gotten to thinking
that 'Tracy' was not a man’s name:

Oh God! I'm a trifle transgender,
and my poor daughter’s sitting right there.
So he beat himself up to defend her,
and he woke up in intensive care.

-----
penultimate line was: "So I'll do the right thing and defend her."

I'd welcome any feedback / critique -- assuming it's appropriate to ask for such on this thread -- as I'm trying to knock this into shape at speed. In particular I'm wondering it's clear what happens in the Martha verse, and also if the ending is clear. I could make the end clearer by having the penultimate line be: "So he beat himself up to defend her". But the subtlety seems preferable if it works.

Americans: do you call a women's public restroom it "the ladies" and if not, then what? Also, 'restroom' or 'bathroom'.

Thanks

Matt

The women's public restroom is called the "the ladies' room." We say both restroom and bathroom, except the former is a little more proper and appropriate to say in polite company or in a nice establishment (not that you can't get away easy enough saying "bathroom" though). At a nice restaurant, for instance, I would ask: where's the restroom? At a friend's house and in informal settings, not fine restaurants and the like, I might say where's the bathroom? Some might think this a fine distinction; though perhaps not a crucial point of etiquette, at least it does exist.

Thanks Erik,

So does that mean that the line: stood guard at the Ladies front door

is understandable? I guess I could italicize 'Ladies'. In the UK, single-sex public toilets are often referred to "The Gents" and "The Ladies", although that may be a little old fashioned now.

- Matt

You have "Ladies room" now in that line, which is what Americans say; whatever word you swapped to add "room", it works. No need then to do anything more to this epithet after you add an apostrophe, that is, to make Ladies possessive, it being those "womenfolks'" own room.
Best,
Erik

P.S. A slight nugget of cultural exchange. In the US, some there are who call the men's and women's restrooms the little girls' and little boys' room; and this, though as common as a diner, corny as a Rockwell painting, unoriginal as a forgery and folksy as a Sarah Palin, is intended as humour. Those who suffer themselves to say it often do so as if this commonplace were a clever thing that they themselves had just thought up. So much then for bathrooms.

A timely and amusing piece, Matt.

I think you need an apostrophe in the phrase Ladies' room.

The article seems to be missing in this line:

xxthat 'Tracy' was not a man’s name

When I read it, the ending wasn't clear to me - I thought it might have been his daughter who beat him up. So even if it is less subtle, I think I prefer the downright absurdity of:

xxSo he beat himself up to defend her

Brian,

Many thanks for your feedback. I think you are most likely right about making the ending very clear; with this sort of poem the ending is not to be puzzled over.

Julie has pointed out an issue with the scansion of the refrain. I wonder if you (or anyone else reading this) had any problems with it? Julie points out that "inTENsive" doesn't scan as I want it to in this line, as I need "INtensive" or at the very least "IN-TEN-sive".

I'd kind of persuaded myself the combination of the metre and the double 'in' of 'in intensive' promoted the first syllable of 'intensive' at least somewhat. (I think the stop after the first 'in' and the need to audibly distinguish the two 'in's means I pronounce the 'in' of intensive as longer/stronger). However, I could very easily be fooling myself here.

If it doesn't work, my alternatives seem quite limited. I could go with "HOSpital CARE" or "eMERgency CARE" but neither has quite the same ring to it.

Erik,

re. "Ladies' room": Yes, I changed it to that after I'd asked you about it, and I'm happier with it now. Thanks for coming back. And yes, we get the "little girls'/boys' room" thing too.

best,

Matt

You're concerned about 'and he woke up in intensive care.'

I'd say get rid of the 'up'.

'and he woke in intensive care.'

You'd miss the chime of 'take up' and 'woke up' early on, but the rhythm would jog along more trimly.

I'd keep "up." Forcing the beat onto INtensive somehow suits the overall diction, sort of a hillbilly vernacular perhaps. And the line seems flat without the "up" to me.

Funny verse.

Thanks George,

That seems to make the last foot an iamb rather than an anapaest.

And he WOKE | in inTENS | ive CARE

or even

He WOKE UP | in in TENS| ive CARE

I don't know if it works with an iamb on the end. That said, I've been saying this line out loud so many times I don't really trust my ear any more.

Maybe I just need to try for a different end rhyme / refrain, and resign myself to a fair bit of rapid rewriting.

Thanks again,

-Matt