Mel -

As dusk transforms to crystal night
the flickering stars appear,
but quickly would I bolt in fright
were you to kiss my rear.

Hopefully, as stars increase,
the beauty of the view
grows also, thus creating peace
in everyone's milieu.

But as I ponder pensively,
deep in creative thought,
epiphany surprises me -
I merely post a lot.

Jerry




[This message has been edited by Robert Swagman (edited May 02, 2002).]

Why stop at galaxies, when there's the universe?
Woops, I've hit a wormhole, now I'm going in reverse.

Jerry (Robert)?,

A sparkly post! Oh my!
I'm impressed with your poetic reply!
But why should you fear,
lips puckered near
your derriere
Unless..
too much hair?


[This message has been edited by Melalope (edited May 02, 2002).]

mel-- I wondered that too?!
why he wouldn't want two lips
on his ass of peeew
with hands on my hips
I'd bend over-- for you :P

------------------
zz

[This message has been edited by zbaby (edited May 02, 2002).]

Scintillate,scintillate, globial vivific
Please cheer everybody,
This poem is terrific!

[This message has been edited by kiwi (edited May 02, 2002).]

<u>Stars In Their Eyes</u>

Who understands the stars above,
and from where their gifts arise?
For when they twinkle - is it love
when they sparkle in our eyes?

They fall at random, so it seems,
then plummet all at once
and where we were so much bereft;
now they hammer us on the bonce.

Carol,

I have no wish for all that space
a galaxy seems a lonesome place.
Does writing poetry really grace
such a power on those who trace
their origins back to that first post
The winner is, who writes the most?
So I sit here and eat my toast,
write a plethora of poetry so I can boast
I'm a God of my own galaxy!
What should structure matter to me,
or metaphor, or simile.
Throw it all in and see
If a poem shall come to be?

http://www.ablemuse.com/erato/ubbhtml/smile.gif





[This message has been edited by Melalope (edited May 03, 2002).]

zz,

I think that you have mistook
what I meant, now look
I didn't come here
to kiss anyone's rear.
If you feel so inferior
enough to smooch a posterior
I wouldn't try to stop
you. But did you have to drop
your pants like a goon?
We're talking about the stars, not the moon.



[This message has been edited by Melalope (edited May 03, 2002).]

Hey mel… whatcha ya doin’ sittin’ and stewin’?
Did you think that poem was your perfect shoe in?
Or should I lament, “Oh, what have I done?
I blundered and bantered to the wrong one!?”

Wasn’t it you? Whose words can be quoted,
on becoming more derriere devoted??
“Is it the more stars are seen the more you kiss that person’s @$$?”
Forgive me, but for that I thought you had brass.

In addition to that, you had to ask;
“Is it okay to brown nose?” as part of the task,
of “lowly but hopeful poets” who “don’t want to blow it”.
So forgive me again, when I tell you to stow it.

I ain’t kissing ass, hairy or not,
to get attention from this literal lot
of overblown babblers who think they are it,
cause they count syllables, check rhymes and call it wit.

Now what I am saying, is I wouldn’t mind
two puckered lips smackin’ my behind.
Stars or no stars under your name,
I’d welcome the smooch just the same.


------------------
zz



[This message has been edited by zbaby (edited May 03, 2002).]

CRITIQUE

I like this very much, but you should cut
everything that follows stanza three,
maybe change the second yet to but,
eliminate that pompous royal we,
then think about the meter. Are you sure
those anapests you favor don't produce
a sort of sing-song bounciness that pure
iambic verse could banish or reduce?

You might just try this as a villanelle,
or better yet, a series of haikus.
Remember, poet: always show, don't tell.
And there's a ton of padding here I'd lose.

I've seen your other work and thus surmise
this poem will turn out fine once you revise.