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I find this too pat and cutesy--and predictable. The robin is just being a robin, and the self-conscious reflection of the speaker of the poem is more egocentric, really, than the insight the poem purports to relate.
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Interesting, how these poems effect each other, being paired together. The heavy-handed alliteration of today's other poem makes me appreciate this one more for its clarity and diction. But "contrived" and "pat" are words that came to me before they were used by others in their responses, so there might be something to that response. It's the lack of feeling that makes it feel contrived. The "insight" of the sestet is communicated, but not the feeling of it.
"sharp deflating insight" suggests a needle, or something to puncture with, and "unfurled" suggests a flag, or wings. A mixed metaphor that hurts the poem, especially when it's been so clear until then. I like the clarity though. The diction, the images, the thinking of it. |
This has an easy, effortless feel to it, leading up to the good-humored zinger of an insight at the end.
One of my favorites so far. |
This simple, well-executed sonnet does what a sonnet should do, allowing the reader to participate in the discovery and avoiding the self-involved wordiness that working too hard at cleverness can produce.
Carol |
This reminded me of Blake. Well, a bit. I am thinking about the fly.
The fact that I sailed through the first reading, knowing how because of the form, made me warm to the poem. It is safe and simple, and none the worse for that, but no fireworks. |
I think this is very good, though I agree with Andrew's analysis of the poem (and the speaker's egocentrism notwithstanding his self-deflating insight).
I think I'd recommend that the poem be cast in the past tense up until the word "Now" -- which would draw a bit of a contrast or division between the recollected moment of mowing and the somewhat more insightful moment of sitting down to write about it. There is, after all, a sequence here, and putting it all in the present tense blurs the contrast between the speaker's initial attitude and reaction and his ultimate insight. I sort of wish that there were a better word for "insight," since I would rather just learn what the insight is than be told it's an "insight," and I'd like the new word to be something that might more plausibly be linked to "wings," such as another robin. I'm not seeing how this could be accomplished, but luckily it's not my job. Still, very good sonnet as is. |
For me, it all goes wrong about here.
Now / a sharp deflating insight has unfurled / its wings The images just don't hang together. And I agree with Sam and others that "unfurled" is not terribly apt for wings, august precedents notwithstanding. Most of all I think, where is the precursor to this insight? Some event needs to happen to put N in her cosmic place, as it were. Then we don't need "insight" literally, and the parenthetical end suddenly gets stronger. Maybe a chicken hawk could fly over, and N could have an epiphany about having wasted her life? No, wait a minute... Philip |
I have a very hard time understanding how a poem might take itself too seriously without even engaging in self-reference. No nits. It's very good.
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There's nothing particularly wrong with this one, but it doesn't get beyond the safe, pleasant suburb where it resides. The octave is very well done, and could carry a much stronger, quirkier, more challenging sestet.
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I'm not thrilled by this one, though I do appreciate the droll tone that only opens up at the close. The first few lines are a very slow start though, and more than a bit confusing.
As for taking itself too seriously, well the poem is all self-reference, Pedro. In fact the whole poem is about taking oneself too seriously, isn't it? So I think charging it with that crime is a bit beside the point. The poem seems more the result of having already been accused of such an attitude. In the end I think it is well-made, and minor. But then to go major might, ironically, make the charge of self-seriousness really stick. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Nemo |
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