If "ain't" is a no-no, what about "no-no"? And what about deliberate illiteracies ("nite," "lite," "thru") and cyberspace acronyms ("lmao")? This is getting complicated -- #*@!

At least we have arse to save our ass.

I have to admit, one of the first words I thought of was 'arse', but I 'ain't' going to use it.

As for things like 'nite', 'lite' and 'thru', Chris, - a definite 'no-no' IMO, and I'll be very dismayed if Lucy permits them; the phrase 'cop-out' springs to mind!

Find this comp very hard. Have made list. Will this lady stay sane???

Here's a first attempt, following Bazza's tough rules:

‛Each word must have four what?’ Edna tuts. ‛Some comp! Does this Lucy care that such work must send folk gaga? What type will love this task? Some word nerd! Some jerk! Some geek, some idle gent! (Gent, sure. What girl will idle life away with such dumb crap?) This bozo, this dozy male bozo, will lose days, deep into this dumb task, this play with words, with zero heed that rich life zips past fast, till near coma. What then will this busy twit have made? Some mere crap, like most male junk, rife with smut, most like.’
Edna turns dumb some secs, then sobs, with pale lips taut, with wide eyes damp, with hair awry. Then this very nice girl cries very loud: ‛Smut! This comp will mean vile gags, dirt, just lewd muck. Life must mean more than this.’
Poor Edna.

Great stuff - though, like Edna, I think it would be better without the secs.

Good one, George. I doubt there will be many better.

This is my offering; couldn't do it without any contractions but I kept them to a minimum.


How’s your body? Huge? Don’t know when your feet were last seen? Come here then!

SELF HELP BOOT CAMP will deal with your crap life.

Don’t just wish. Don’t just diet with lame hope.
Stun your wife with slim hips, trim arms/legs, nice firm buns!
Tone your pecs. Lose that lard.

SELF HELP BOOT CAMP will work. FACT.

Less food.
Away with junk.
Quit fags, beer, wine.
Long runs will lose that flab.

SELF HELP BOOT CAMP will sort your life, we’re sure.

Don’t ever look back. Plan your stay. Don’t tell; just come here.
Work hard with bona fide team. (Pain plus gain – hold onto that!)

Then... back home, show your fine body.
Make love; give your wife this hero, this star – this idol!

Ring SELF HELP BOOT CAMP soon. Don’t wait. We’re here.

That's excellent too. It lends itself to adman speak. I'm still working on my UKIP screed. UKIP is a word according to me. But poor Nigel will have to be neat nice Nige. Americans will have to look UKIP up. Our version of the tea-party.

Both wild witty* work. Good luck.


*tried 4-letters, no luck.

Nice one, Jayne. Thanks for comments, everyone.