Bunionectomy

My foot, it sports a bunion,
bone that sprouts an onion,
it leans far to the left,
which gives my gait some heft.
But to grant a gait proportionate
the doctor needs to operate,
a procedure so to summarize:
rip the flesh and pulverize,
then fasten what remains with screws.
Elevate your feet, eschew shoes,
morphine drips for screaming pain
(a few more weeks and it will wane).
Why lumber with deformity,
when a foot can fit conformity?
A fit foot fleet, no lump to rue,
Let’s do it again, I’ll take two.

Cleft

XXXXXX“Branchial cleft cysts are remnants of embryonic development and result from
XXXXXXXa failure of obliteration of the branchial cleft, which in fish develop into gills.”
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXFitzpatrick's Dermatology in General Medicine

At first, we're each an embryo with gills,
Afloat within an amniotic sea
As tide by tide, the space inside us fills—
Except that never happened, quite, with me.

My doctor diagnosed that I'd been left
Unfinished; like some throwback to the deep,
I bore a prehistoric fish's cleft.
The small, unnoticed pore would sometimes weep

A fleck of salt behind a collar stay
But we agreed, I'd thought, to co-exist,
Until it had to be immured one day,
When it raised a sudden, angry cyst.

Now, I'm evolved and watertight as you.
At times though, I feel emptier as I am,
Cast loose and dammed, without connection to
An ocean where unfathomed others swam.

Frank

Keep on Swimmin!

A Brief History of Medical Procedures

The lithotripsy crushed my stone,
the stent sent screaming through my bone.

The biopsy, a pain in the prostate,
precluded death and being prostrate.

For losing my prostate, I give thanks,
but now I’m only shooting blanks!

Ravaged Ralph

I’m known to be a drama queen.
It’s true; you’ll soon see what I mean:
I HAD MY THROAT CUT!
(Quite routine...

…not by some ‘Jack the Ripper’ type.)
I warned you, though, I always hype
a story when the time is ripe.

“My thyroid’s got some ‘nodules’? Heck!
- A goitre forming on my neck?”
Much of the gland’s removed. They check

after the op: it’s all benign.
My half-a-thyroid’s working fine.
The scar’s the faintest two-inch line.

It didn’t hurt at all, although
my neck was stiff for days and so
my gait was like C-3PO.