During my career in Criminal Autopsy, it was my job to estimate as precisely as possible the time of death from the known gestation period of insects such as Calliphoridae and Sarcophagidae.

Throughout my trial and conviction for malpractice, that damned judge had addressed the jury with all the reticence of an operatic diva. His destiny with death was richly deserved.

Having shot him with my Luger, I then had to disguise the crime scene to give myself an alibi.

Before my release, I’d found a dead sparrow and a crushed gecko in the prison yard. Now, pausing only to don surgical gloves, I carefully transferred the insects and maggots to the corpse. I did the same with some well-rotted pizza I’d found in a dustbin. His death would appear to have occurred while I was still in prison.

For further information, see my blog: Memoirs of a forensic entomologist.

It IS because they are all lefties. Also because they are uncultured and ignorant. Not YOU of course, Vicky. The best English poets since 1950 are self-evidently, Larkin, Betjeman, Wendy, Ann Drysdale and me. Are you with me so far? All of us rhymers and Daily Telegraph rustlers. Except perhaps for Ann. I imagine she rustles the South Wales Argus or whatever it is. However she can speak (probably gnomically) for herself. There is also the case of the divine Sophie Hannah who glories in her Comprehensive schooling and is now incredibly rich through the writing of psychological detective stories which are much harder to read than her poems. I am, however, a fan. I wonder where she sends her children to school?

I'm working on that poem. The difficult word is Luger. Do they still have Lugers or is it a historical gun, belonging to the German Officers who crossed the Rhine. Did we not have Brownings in them days?

Did anyone else, reading half-aloud John's phrase referring to German officers crossing the line, add an involuntary "parlez-vous"? More to the point, did John?

Well of course I did, Ann. And inky-pinky to you too. Is it the South Wales Argus?

What rhymes with "Luger"? Well, there's "Beluga", but it would be unsporting to shoot sturgeon for their caviar. And conservationists would be unhappy if you knocked off a cougar.

I feel, when I hear a Bach fugue, a
Desire to reach for my Luger

... nah.

I'm working on that poem. The difficult word is Luger. Do they still have Lugers or is it a historical gun, belonging to the German Officers who crossed the Rhine. Did we not have Brownings in them days?

John,

I don't know if Lugars are still manufactured, but thousands of the originals are still around. They are mostly in the hands of collectors, since they have considerable historical value. They are still eminently shootable. There are numerous currently-made pistols based on the Lugar design. (When the patents on a gun design expire, the good ones are copied by other manufacturers.)

I have my grandfather's Browning shotgun (from the 1920's), which is still in good operating condition. Mr. Browning was a genius in firearm design, and guns of his design are still being made. He designed pistols, rifles, and shotguns. The Browning Automatic Rifle saw wide use in WW2 by the USA.

BTW, I live about 50 miles due south of where Hiram Maxim was born and raised. You probably know about his talents in gun design.

Properly cared for, firearms can last for generations. So, your protagonist could well be blazing away with his/her Lugar. Or, dodging bullets or shotgun pellets from a Browning.

The judge was a gecko, the first of his kind.
The lawyer, of course, was a sparrow.
A diva had gotten herself in a bind
By shooting a frog with an arrow.

"A Luger, of course, for killing a frog
Who is not undergoing gestation,
Would be legal according to Don Tadpole's blog,"
Said the judge, after much cogitation,

"But destiny picked out a weapon for you
With laws that are not as precise.
Bailiff, bring pizza! I'll know what to do
By the time I've consumed my third slice!"

Whatever happens, we have got
The Maxim gun, and they have not.

And do not forget that the very superior Whitworth Gun failed to win the Civil War for the South. It was a matter of the shortage of the special hexagonal shells. American weapons are sometimes not very good but they are easy to make in large numbers.

John,
Are you any relation to the maker of the Whitworth gun? Or, to the company which made the Whitworth nuts and bolts of 1950 era British cars?

I could have taken a Luger to Lew Grade for not funding my film noir project in the sixties, stalling my destiny for decades. Business is tougher now. Nobody can predict box-office success: audiences are fickle; outsider risks put money in the bank (who the heck imagined Depp cast as some gecko?!!!) More recently I’d targeted Carey Mulligan for my lead. But since playing Sally Sparrow opposite Tennant’s Doctor Who, her career’s taken off; she’s unaffordable!- doesn’t even return my calls, the little diva!
So… what sells? Rom-Coms need big names; sci-fi schlock (some Alien gestation doomfest?)… or fantasy wizardry? But today’s viewer is too apt to don judge’s garb, panning our special effects on some nitpicking blog while loading up with pizza. Big bangs don’t come cheap; but any shot that’s not state-of-the-art execution won’t survive the attack.
Which brings me back to dark thoughts of that Luger.