Are you sure, John? I mean, have you actually seen the stake in his heart?

Call me Steve Ken Barry Ishmael.

(Also dead. I know, I know...)

Bit of a disadvantage here. I did read a novel once. I think it had a blue cover.

There was something about the unnatural way the whiting had been left on the beach that lit a touch paper in Langdon’s mind. Almost as if it had been arranged like that, its silver corpse pointing due east. It reminded him vaguely of a painting he had seen one time in Verona, or was it Florence?
He glanced up to the promenade and was startled to see the sallow-skinned old man still holding his cryptic sandwich board. It seemed to Langdon that the old man was staring at him, curiously waiting for a reaction…
The end of the world is nigh. What on earth could it mean? Was it a code? Or an anagram? Hold ends for the whiting? The fish again. Langdon knew the fish was the key. But would it turn in the lock without being squished into a mass of scales and bone?
Instinctively, he started running…
(Dan Brown)

A great shame, Rob - I had written and was on the very point of submitting a Melville entry before the reality of the brief again butted in! But I managed to think of an extant novelist I've actually read:

‘Dish World is a plate shaped planit curried on the bak of 4 immence elefants stud on top of a hooge turtle swiming throuh space. Dworfs magishuns witchs liv there wicked theves and pepole who kil pepole fur money fur other pepole who giv them money to do fur them. Clever brains in a big magic school who where robes and all keap seacrits til they ofen get kiled by the next one to be top. (then Deth coms fur them he is a tall skelitan in black). With a libraryan magiced into a orangu-tang. Lots of funny things hapen ther. like one hero this realy old skiny man and anuther scared magishun who’s spells go wrong and always havs aventures he dosnt want and his chest wich runs on legs. (I mean a box chest not one his body has. like a trunk. But not like elefants hav.)’

[Excerpt from ‘My Daily Diary’ by Terry Pratchett at primary school.]

My suggestion for a young Ian Rankin
 

Teccy John Plodbus he suck on lots and lots of Edinbruh rock. (My favrit too). But he is still sad. Why you sad sed his frend Big Ears who was called that cos he told John Plodbus what the bad people in Toytown did as long as John Plodbus give him funny fizzy pop to make him laff and sleep. Here is why sed Plodbus (can’t be bovved riting all the name now). The peepul in the Old Toytown Sweetie shop not speak to me cos they know I did not catch Sly the Goblin and he chop up Noddy. Big Ears says they say Sly is called the Hundred Acre (nice Miss Spark showed me how to spell acre) Wood Cutter cos he hates that Winnie the Poof (don’t like riting Pooh sounds smelly) and put him in little bits in a honey jar. THE DEAD STICKY END.