On "Fire Assignment".
 

Hi.
I'm new to the Eratosphere.
These are just my ear's thoughts on and reactions to “Fire Assignment”.

• I wonder whether so many adjectives are needed. For example “flimsy green” may be too much detail. I think the same about “weathered” porches and “empty” rocking chairs.
• “really” in line 10 feels unnecessary.
• There’s a nice transference of the writer’s exhaustion in the “tired” of line 6 and the “wants to sleep” of line 11.
• “Every” lines 12, -7. Maybe one of them could be “each”?
• “gentleman” in line 16 feels incongruous. Could the feline image of the previous stanza be used for the “careful .. steps”?
• Line -2. I’m not sure “purest” is needed.
• Final line: the “reseeding” image is nice, suggesting both stars and the recovery of fire damaged land.

My best wishes,
Chris.

Hi Bill,

Thank you for your thoughts, especially on the voice. Sorry for the delayed reply; I've been offline for a while. Hope you're having a great day!

Ella

Hi Chris,

Thanks for your suggestions. I'm definitely wanting to replace "gentleman" with something wilder, like a wizard or an animal. I have to agree that "purest" isn't it either. Sorry for the delayed reply; I've been offline for a while.

Cheers,

Ella

I like "gentleman." It has a classic feel and what is more classic than fire? I see you've made a decision but wanted to offer my two cents. Otherwise, I like this and wish you could publish it.

Much prefer gentleman, the gloss over destructive behaviours, a veneer of politeness.

Hi Phil and John - Thanks for adding your two cents! Honestly that particularly bit is something I’ve hemmed and hawed over quite a bit without seeing much support for the original “gentleman.” Although I was leaning toward changing it, I’m not 100% decided yet, so it’s good to see opinions on both sides. The good news is that I won’t try to publish this for a long time, so I have a good while to sit and think it over. Thanks to you both!

Ella

I know this comment is too late for the application. But. I would have suggested eliminating the first stanza. The second and third are more interesting, more impressionistic,, and are definitely enough for the title.

The first stanza seems too heavy and explanatory.