Paula, I agree with John that the current punctuation makes this choppier than it needs to be, giving it that sort of regimentation that the poem's content seems to be charting a rebellion from.
For instance, here a lot more movement can be conjured by making the period a comma, and dropping some of the smaller words (which can be inferred):

Come breath the peace in Chicago’s suburbs—
where birch, ash, and elm queue up next the curbs.
Our blooms rest in mulch beds fluffed and rounded.
Our manicured lawns by fences are bounded.

Come breath the peace in Chicago 'burbs—
birch, ash, and elm queued up to curbs,
blooms tucked in mulch beds fluffed and rounded,
manicured lawns by fences bounded.


I'm not saying these sort of momentum-inducing edits are always better, it depends on the poem, but this one seem caught by the ankle and unable to emulate Katie. For me, the proper name for the child, seems somewhat cloyingly jarring, but perhaps if the poem were re-titled KATIE (instead of the cumbersome Northshore Warzone) then the mention of her name in the poem would have a quality of revelation that outweighs its sentimentality.

The poem is fine, but somewhat run-of-the-mill.
It needs more syntactical blood-flow to animate it.

Nemo

Hi, Paula—

The first line still only has four beats: Come BREATHE the PEACE of ChiCAgo’s SUBurbs— (Change “breath” to “breathe.”). I liked the two exclamations in the original version because they announced the octave like a trumpet fanfare, a device you echo with the exclamation and question at the start of the sestet. But I like the calmness that you add to the octave, which is disrupted by Katie in the sestet. You could split the difference: How tidy. How clean. This wealthy Chicago suburb—. Losing the exclamation points lets the calm mood prevail.

In Line 2, “next” still needs to be “next to,” or “beside.” This adds another syllable to this already bursting-at-the-seams line. Could you choose two of the three trees, or eliminate “where,” which isn’t really needed coming after the previous line’s em-dash.

Line 4 now has only 4 beats. Could you go back to “surrounded,” which allows you to promote the helping verb “are” to get your fifth beat?

The rest is fine. I like “rascal, Katie,” and now understand the “yellow tongue.”

Glenn

I will spell it out: rhyming is mostly about control of syntax because [1] it is the syntax which mostly sells a rhyme as not being forced, [2] it is syntax which creates the form of the idea that houses the rhyme, and [3] it is control of syntax which gives you many options for creating ways to position the rhyme at the end of the line which helps avoid monotony; but also so that when you do stuff like inversions (which is not that statistically common a trick in a sonnet as folk who go for an old sound make it out to be), you are not doing it out of habit or because you lack options. Simply rewriting this poem without inversion will force the working out of different syntactic possibilities all on its own without anyone else's external advice about which syntactic options to use.

It is about hearing more things.

Paula, at the moment, it just sounds like the sonnet form overly constrains you. But Eratosphere is currently the best place to learn so ...

I’m one of those otherworldly innocents who may not know things that everyone else does. I’m still surprised, though, that I didn’t know such a curious term. I can’t remember when I last saw a dandelion. Could I have forgotten?

You could also use “by the curbs” for an anapest or “by curbs” for an iamb.

Hi Paula. I have to agree about the still tet first line. In fact I'm getting tet in all of the first four lines, and also elsewhere in the poem. Does it actually just want to be tet? I think it might, so give it its head.

I'm also of the school that quite likes the inversions in this context, but you might find those changing anyway if you go all-tet.

Cheers

David

Hi Paula,

I have a question. And please don't think I'm being patronising because I'm sure I once thought exactly this thing. Are you under the impression that a 10 syllable line will automatically be pentameter? I ask because all these lines are 10 syllables but in the first four lines I definitely hear anapaestic tetrameter: a "bouncing" 4-beat rhythm. Then the poem suddenly changes to a much more regular iambic pentameter. I suppose I'm wondering how deliberate this is, or if it's kind of an accident based on counting.

Come breathe the peace in Chicago’s suburbs
where birch, ash, and elm queue up next the curbs.
Our blooms rest in mulch beds fluffed and rounded,
our manicured lawns by fences are bounded.
We’ve pruned the kingly oak’s shimmering crown
to pass electric lines to light the town.
Nature here is completely overthrown:
her generals chained, her ground troops one-inch mown.

Also, since the stress is on the 1st syllable of "suburbs", the first 2 lines don't really rhyme. Or at least, it sounds a little clunky. Something like

"Come breathe the peace in old Chicago's 'burbs
where birch and elm line up beside the curbs"

would give you pentameter and a true rhyme. Do you hear the difference? (and do people still say 'burbs in the US?)

Edit: I miscounted. L4 has 11 syllables. Counting is hard! :) My question still stands, though.

Edit edit: And Carl, you don't know about dandelion clocks? How did you tell the time in the woods when you were a child?

Jim Moonan--Quite right that the sonnet form was pre-determined here. I set myself to write a bunch of sonnets, and then I went looking for subject matter. This one came to me on my morning walk. I think it appeals to me to surprise the reader with a mismatch between subject and form. I'm thinking at the moment of Pablo Neruda's Odes (which I'm currently reading) many of which are elevating very "low" topics (socks, a lemon, a cat, etc) with grandiose language. The question, always, is, does it work?

John Riley—The poem is intended to mock my neighbors (and myself, of course) for our tireless efforts to tame nature so that natural beauty can shine forth! I’m thinking of sending it to the local paper when it’s ready. The intended audience is hyper-local and will definitely wince when Katie enters the scene.

Nemo—I’m struggling mightily with punctuation (here and elsewhere). I want to stick with the rules, but I also want to direct the reader’s pauses. Sometimes those two things are at war. Sometimes, I just forgot my 8th grade grammar.

David & Mark —Thank you for pushing me to rethink the meter. You caught me. In places, I really did just count 10 syllables and nod to myself and say “good enough”. I think that Revision 2 is truly pentameter throughout. Does it read more smoothly now? I do feel I sacrificed a certain jauntiness (that comes with tet) to achieve the more regular lines expected in sonnet form.

Mark – Thank you for your concern about being perceived as patronizing. Quite the opposite, I’m so very delighted to get such exceptional readers to look at my work in progress and give actionable feedback. Many, many thanks. I’m a beginner and happy to just be learning here with this talented group of writers.