Hi Richard,

Seeing it laid out as one, I think I do like it better as a prose poem.

I don't dispute this. Though old didn't seem to be adding much when I first read it. As you say, pond water is always old in some sense. However, rereading, I can see that "old" might be doing other work, and also be a reference to what happened in the past. That the pond is stuck in the past, the time of drowning, the water maybe even unchanged since then, and if that's what you're after, I can see that this would be lost if you changed it for "algaed" water, say, even if that did convey a stronger image.

I guess I still find "old" a little bland as a descriptor. You could maybe try personifying the water, for example, and have the water be "brooding", say if that doesn't seem too melodramatic. Maybe there's even another way to convey age without using "old". Maybe not.

It was the word "resize". I think I must have edited it in while you were in the process of replying.

One thing I've done in the past is take a screenshot of a prose poem in Word and posted that instead. That way it appears in exactly the form that you want it to. It's a bit of faff though. You need to upload the image to a image hosting site as you can't directly insert it into your post (I used imgbb.com) , then you use the "insert image" button (the one that looks oddly like an envelop), and stick URL in that. And when you revise, obviously, you need to generate a new image.

Matt

Hi Richard. Coming to this now, I think it works really well as a prose poem.

The "old" is interesting. I didn't really notice it on first reading - lazy reading - but the more I think about it, the more charged it seems, so I like it.

Cheers

David

Yes, keep "old." In addition to the other reasons given, I like how that first sentence lands on how a child might put it. For me, its simplicity in that sense contrasts nicely with the more ornate, poetic "grey leaf-light." It made me look at "died for want" again (thought of something like "died wanting" instead), but, nah. I don't think any changes are necessary. At least nothing I can see now.

Hi Hilary

Thanks for returning.
I like "old water." I like the simplicity of it and that sense of age, as if this water has been standing around forever.
Has a strange sense of solidity.

Hi Matt.

Seeing it laid out as one, I think I do like it better as a prose poem.
Yes. I think Jim's instinct was correct.

rereading, I can see that "old" might be doing other work, and also be a reference to what happened in the past. That the pond is stuck in the past
Not so much the past, but perhaps out of time? Somewhere in the mythologic.

It was the word "resize". I think I must have edited it in while you were in the process of replying.
Aha. Anyway, thanks for the posting pointers. Much appreciated.

Hi David.

The "old" is interesting. I didn't really notice it on first reading - lazy reading - but the more I think about it, the more charged it seems, so I like it.
Good to hear. Thanks.


Hi James.

Yes, keep "old." In addition to the other reasons given, I like how that first sentence lands on how a child might put it.
Wondered when someone would spot that.
For me, its simplicity in that sense contrasts nicely with the more ornate, poetic "grey leaf-light."
Tried to strike a balance.
It made me look at "died for want" again (thought of something like "died wanting" instead), but, nah. I don't think any changes are necessary.
Good to know, thanks.


Once again, thanks all.

RG.

.
I lost track of this and am just now coming back to see that it has made the leap to prose poetry. I love it for its plainspokenness. I now hear it as a soft thought-narration. The land is suffering. "Grey-leaf light and old water" is astoundingly vivid to me. And there is mystery to it. The "we" in the first line seems sadly connected to the child in the last line. It makes me ponder. Wonderful poem.

.

Maybe "ancient" for "old"? Or "ageless"?

It maybe does more to convey the mythic, and is maybe a bit more interesting than "old". Still, it seems to only be me who's not fond of "old" ...

Matt

I like the old/whole echo plus the unpleasantness of 'old' in the context (an inkling of menace).

Phil

Hi Jim.

made the leap
Thank you for the nudge. It was very well timed.
Wonderful poem.
Ah, thank you.


Hi Matt.

it seems to only be me who's not fond of "old" ...
Yes, the scales do seem a tad unbalanced.


Hi Phil.

I like the old/whole echo plus the unpleasantness of 'old' in the context (an inkling of menace).
Inkling indeed, thanks. Another thumb on the 'old' pan.


Thanks again and thanks all.

RG.

Hi Richard,

I'm not as keen on scab as some others are. It fits, but it feels like a knee-jerk choice, and I'm not sure the feeling it evokes is congruent with what the rest of the poem evokes.

Nick

Hi Nick,

thanks for the feedback. Will mull.

RG.