Great rewrite, Alex! I winced when I read the original, crawling with modifiers and overwritten to the point of tears - but the revision works very well. The only nit I have is that in S2 of the revision L2 clanks on "serene". Maybe "...softly as a prayer"?

Thanks for looking, Michael! I'm glad you like the new version. And you're right about that line--it's now 'grows serene' > 'becomes still'. --Alex

Hi, Alex—

I think the revisions are very effective. The language is much more direct and incisive, and the switch to tetrameter adds a lot of energy.
One tiny suggestion: The meter is the last line stumbles on “pre SENTS.” How about swapping it for “OF fers?”

Glenn

Much improved!

[To be fair, Sam brought George into the conversation ~,:^) ]


Rick

Hi Alex,
much improved with the revision.

Do you need a period at the end of L1?
Was there a specific plant you had in mind in L2? (Leaves seems a tad generic)
Perhaps 'quickening' (L3) for its movement?
L4, 'as still as a prayer'?

L12, bit lost on 'pollens whip' (being essentially powder) and then how they (L15) 'sing'.

L18, not convinced by 'fusion' (perhaps 'frisson'?)

L20, 'din' doesn't seem the most felicitous choice.

I wonder if you need the final couplet, 'ascend' seems a stronger finish, to me.

RG.

Hi Alex,

I like the revision best. I'll admit that I liked the original a little too. I can be more of a traditionalist than some. Many of my favorite all time novels are period pieces that pay homage the past. I have a weakness for the American West, novels like True Grit, Lonesome Dove, Little Big Man, Cold Mountain, and Welcome to Hard Times. Anyway, now that you are eliminating adjectives, I want to ask about one more. What would you think about "...pearls and rills of showers" in lieu of "pearlescent?" And if not "rills," then, "runs."

All the best,
Jim

.
Beautiful in its original, transcendent in its revision.

I haven't read all the comments closely, though I saw that the consensus was it was too cramped with modifiers. Yet I still felt the beauty oozing from each couplet. I am a modifier : )

Some serendipity is at play here on Erato: Julie says in her Circumlocution #1/ Rondeau Redoublé poem posted here:

Aim for concision.
Use descriptors with discretion.
Adjectives deserve derision
these days; readers crave compression.

Less is more. Shun
pleonastic repetition.
Give your pruning shears a freshen.
Let your sins be of omission.



It is a pleasure to read a poem written with such a light touch. I’ve recently been watching how-to videos of scripted handwriting done in quill and ink. I am in thrall to the sound of the quill scraping against the paper, with the gracefulness of the lines, and with the confidence of the hand as it moves effortlessly. This poem has that quality to it.

Of all forms, couplets are most beautiful to my eye and ear. I hear a timeless poetic quality to your phrasing and imagery. I am not very well read, so I can’t comment on the Georgian poetic style/quality that others have picked up on. To me, it is simply fluently written poetry.
I like many different poetic voices: profane, enigmatic, even sentimental. But the poetic voice that I connect with the most is the romantic poetic voice. Like this poem has. It sings.

I wonder if Symphony of Wings and Petals best describes the music in the poem. It feels more specifically like a rhapsody. I would love to hear it read aloud. Of course, you could simply call it Valse of Wings and Petals.

The fact that Michael has given the revision a thumbs up is proof that the descriptives have been tamed to let the real beauty shine through.

.

Thanks again, everyone, for your positive thoughts on the revision! A second revision is now in.

- Glenn, true, the meter there might benefit from a tweak, and it’s got one. Thank you again!
- Richard, thank you for your insight and suggestions. Some of the lines you flagged received tweaks. As for ‘leaves’, though, I find that generalization a good fit in a garden environment with typically multiple species.
- Jim R, I hear you, and as you can see from the original, I sometime lean that way also, although, I probably got carried away this time! Thank you for weighing in.
- Jim M, thanks for your insightful words. I’m glad you saw what I was aiming for, even with the original. As for 'pearlescent', I think I like the adjectival disruption it brings to that line relative to all the others, now in their lean, adjective-cleansed forms... and I think it's earned there, plus I'm becoming rather attached to that adjective!
- Jim M, thanks for your insightful words. I’m glad you saw what I was aiming for, even with the original. As for "pearlescent," I think I like the adjectival disruption it brings to that line relative to all the others, now in their lean, adjective-cleansed forms... and I think it’s earned there—plus, I’m becoming rather attached to that adjective!
- Rick, thanks for chiming in. Yes of course, Sam was the first to summon George!

And I hope the new revision works even better!

Cheers,
...Alex

Hello Alex,

For me the issue with the original was not so much about being overwritten, the emotion being too extreme (some people don't like positive emotions but have no problems with intensely emotionally negative poetry), or about too many modifiers (don't believe the early 20th William Carlos William rules in respect to modifiers), it is more that the modifiers gave the impressions of automatic, formulaic writing (folk pinned it to be Georgian, I originally was thinking something around the Victorian era): "eternal grace", "golden shower", "jewelled air", and "timeless space".

It sort of felt like you established a centuries old mood (cover band music), and then kept turning the crank with formulaic adjective + noun phrases, so it felt like you were simply not working hard enough at phrase making. Eliminating the adjectives relieves the poem of the technical difficulty of having to think anew about modification, but it turns the poem into something else.

Yeah!

Hi Alex,
accord, very nice!

A passing (cut and paste) thought


The pair, like wing and waiting bloom
inhale an accord of perfume,

within that fecund garden space,
beauty presents its truthful face.

with brush of hand on yielding skin,
where touch awakes what bides within,

such that the heaves of their breaths blend
and in communion they ascend—


(not sure about fecund though, that's one hard /k/)


RG.