Hi, Matt—

I think “years . . . as nymphs, crawling in slime” adequately evokes the suffering. The point of the piece is the brevity of the time of happiness purchased by the years of misery. It’s a simple idea not deserving more than about six lines.

Roger pointed out, appropriately, the unfairness of the stereotype of fashion model as irresponsible hedonist. The two-sentence solution does not completely remove this innuendo, but it does, I think, make the simile clearer.

“Eschewing” has an antiquated feeling and “fasting” has religious overtones, both of which I would prefer to avoid (although the additional /f/ in “fasting” is tempting).

Thanks for continuing to provide helpful suggestions.

Glenn

Glenn, I like the shorter version better. It skips the plodding detail and gets to the point. In your last line, I might suggest something like "bright and joyful time" in place of "joyful, glorious time" because your two adjectives overlap too much. Also, crawling in slime is presumably darker than flying through the air.

Susan

Hi Glenn, I just think "hedonism" is wrong in this context. I think of it as something far more stressful, far more driven than that. And I agree with Roger that the comparison with fashion models - while a clever one - doesn't feel right for either party.

Just chucking that into the mix for you.

Cheers

David

I just read up on mayflies, which leads to a few questions.

First of all, I think they are called "mayflies" even when they are nymphs, so perhaps the title should be something more like "adult mayflies" or "imagos." It's only the adult mayflies that don't eat. During the years they are nymphs, they eat enough to be plus-sized models. And there's an intermediate stage, the subimago stage, when they also enjoy fine dining, although the poem seems to suggest they go right from imago to adult.

I'm still finding the comparison with fashion models to be unhelpful, as well as inaccurately suggesting that the adult mayflies are all female (since male models do not evoke the stereotype of anorexia). I would like the poem a lot more if you omitted the first sentence and started with "They flirt..." This would remove a rhyme and clip the meter of L1, but there's no rule that says the poem absolutely needs to be metrical just because you posted it in a metrical forum. I think it would work well if you cut the first sentence.

(BTW, even though you started a new sentence, for me it still reads as if you are expanding on the fashion model metaphor in the second sentence and not simply leaving it behind and launching a new and unrelated description).

Hi, Susan, David, and Roger—

Thanks, all, for sharing your thoughts on my poem.

Susan—I’m glad you like the revision. The mayfly’s brief “joyful, glorious time” contrasts with the long years as a nymph living in mud, which were unhappy and inglorious. I wanted to suggest the high price paid for the short, glorious turn in the air. “Bright and joyful time” emphasizes the contrast between dark and light that is already implied.

David—I think hedonists can be some of the most driven people. In their quest for pleasure, they often push themselves beyond normal human limits into early graves.

Roger—I’m open to an alternative title, if only to avoid the inevitable comparison to Wilbur’s poem of the same name that Julie mentioned. There are some regional nicknames for this insect, but I think “Canadian Soldiers” would be a very misleading title. Rather than suggesting that all mayflies are female, I am suggesting that all mayflies have two specific characteristics in common with some female fashion models: ostentatious finery and anorexia.

Glenn

Hi, Glenn!

Since the term "nymphomaniac" means "a female who has excessive desire for sexual activity," there might be some confusion about the use of the present tense to describe "the years they spend as nymphs" right after you've mentioned the hedonism. Perhaps use the past pluperfect to indicate that you're going back in time at that point?

Hi, Julie—

Good idea to use pluperfect in L5. It’s more precise in identifying the time, too. Thanks.

Glenn

"Rather than suggesting that all mayflies are female, I am suggesting that all mayflies have two specific characteristics in common with some female fashion models: ostentatious finery and anorexia."

But as I noted, they only stop eating in the very brief and final stage of their development (when they don't even have a mouth to eat with), after years of eating just fine. Unless you clarify that, the poem flirts with inaccuracy.

We'll have to disagree about whether comparing them to gauzy and anorectic fashion models is as suitable for the male mayflies as it is for the female, though in either event I still don't see how likening mayflies to fashion models produces any metaphorical or poetic resonance.

In this briefer draft, beginning with an explicit comparison to fashion models and continuing with details that feel tangentially linked to them, I want to read fashion models as the poem's true subject; the poem feels like it wants to say something about fashion models and says it by comparing them to mayflies. (I'm not sure what it wants to say, and the earlier draft, also, suggests that this is a misreading.)

That they can't eat is offered as one of the important things about fashion models strikes me as a joke--one that sympathizes with the models.

FWIW.

Hi, Roger and Max—

Roger—I suppose I could change “crawling” in L5 to “feeding.” I’ll give it some more thought. I really don’t feel the problem that you identified. Of course they feed as nymphs. The stanza break between L4 and L5 underscores the metamorphosis that gives imagos the power of flight but robs them of the ability to feed.

Max—I didn’t really intend the poem to be a discussion of fashion models. Rather, I wanted to suggest that the moments in our lives that are filled with excitement, glamor, and glory (for which I use fashion models as a vehicle) are fleeting, purchased with long years of suffering, and impermanent. It’s a sic transit gloria poem.

Thanks, gentlemen, for sharing your responses. They are very helpful.

Glenn