Hello John,

There has been a bit of a miscommunication. I do not mean to make it more metrical. My point was that "freeverse" can be as constrained as metrical but in a different way.

The rhythm you created is its "own thing" and I am not asking you to make it more "metrical" as if metrical is always superior in some way.

It is possible for someone to mechanically write metrical poems but not really have a feel for rhythm (which is the more foundational skill and metrical poems can become tedious without it).

On Thrush ornithology, my understanding is that Song Thrushes (in UK at least) will spend a lot of time on the ground foraging for snails etc but when the males sing during the breeding season, tops of trees are favoured spots.

I liked the poem.:)

Hi John,

There's something quite endearing about this, although my impression upon finishing it was that you only took us a little way on the journey. There could be lots more to come.

I also felt some of the language strained towards the poetic, in a way that makes the poem/language feel less fresh than it could be. I'm thinking mainly of words like "twilight", "heart", and maybe also "pulses" and "exquisite" in the context of the poem.

Anyway, some more specific feedback below. I hope you get something worthwhile from it.

All the best,

Trev

Follow the thrush’s feather [nice, simple opening]
forest boy [not crazy about this; it kind of feels like a put-down, for some reason. Is there a need to directly address someone? I think you could remove this line]
into the red twilight [or "red dawn/dusk"?]
deep in the heart
of the woods [maybe "deep in the bowels of the woods/forest", all one line? The line break feels too self-conscious and unnecessary to me, like some others below]
where a city of black roofs
spins in a small circle
in a clearing
between the circling trees [combine this line and the previous one into one line?]
where the sky erupts
with pulses
of more exquisite birds [combine this and the previous two lines into one long line?]
than the thrush that stares
from the top
of his single tree. [Combine this line and the previous one into one line? Remove the word "single"?]

From here, I think you have loads more room to explore. We could see lots more of the city or else some other kind of landscape (a specific home or a river, for example) if the feather is blown that way. Or you could focus on the thrush. Why are the other birds more exquisite?