troy 2004—review

hot bods
no gods
dialogue plods
audience nods


I thought Achilles' mother was a goddess in the movie. Isn't she some descendant of a sea god, and wasn't she portrayed looking pretty regal and pretty fine (the blue eyes and straight from the hairdresser 'do), for an old lady, picking up sea shells in the shallows? She looked like a goddess to me. It was a subtle way of doing it.

I did notice that Briseis in the Iliad wasn't captured at Troy, but an earlier battle, but in "Troy" she was... well, at the temple.

Oh yes, I forgot---she also made a prophecy.

[This message has been edited by diprinzio (edited June 07, 2004).]

Brad Pitt's in Troy? Well what the f--k!
Poor Jennifer is out of luck.
Would I fly to him? Of course.
And dress up as a Trojan Horse.

The poets frown. They disapprove
of shameless moviemakers who've
played fast and loose with Homer's oeuvre.

"No gods!" the cognoscenti fume
with one eye glued to Brad's costume,
the other on Orlando Bloom.

Ye classicists who're feeling randy,
Come and enjoy some Greek eye candy.

Though Troy is gone, its glory quondam,
Its name lives on in film and condom.

I thought it was a cataclysmic flop.
Brad Pitt looks nothing like him - much too short.
And why add all the Grecian crap, but chop
A Summer Place and Parrish; then distort
the man's career, ignore Suzanne Pleshette?
Where's Palm Springs Weekend? Clearly, nothing good
(not since Godfather II, to my dismay)
will emanate these days from Hollywood.




[This message has been edited by Michael Cantor (edited June 13, 2004).]

(With only slight apologies to the half-actress who played Andromache .)


Death of a Nation: Backstory


How could the splendid, high-walled city fall?
Old poets failed to earn their salaries,
For only Hollywood resolves the crux:
The Trojans fell for want of calories.

Those paltry Greeks could not have razed bright Troy:
That hollow ships included such small food
Reveals these figure-watching "warrior-sailors"
As naval gazers, and a snaky brood:

Their strategists--untutored, vain, and sordid;
Their Weapon X--a willowy Achilles;
Their other heroes couldn't clog a jakes--
Assorted ranks of Thoroughly Attic Millies.

Watch puffy-chested Hector's rippling arms
Glisten more brightly than the klieg-light sun:
How could Troy's human shield be broken by
A beefcake hot-dog with a tiny bun?

When poets pinned the blame unequably
On equine wood, Odysseus, and Zeus,
They turned a blinkered eye to the true cause:
Andromache's embrace was Hector's noose.

That prince, the night before his duel, beholds
His fashion-model wife, how gaunt and pallid
She looks at dinner. He admonishes:
"That's not a meal! Put dressing on that salad!"

"But lord," she meekly says, "our people look
To me for light when Dardan plains grow dark
With blood. I have an image to uphold.
Shall I grow wide as a flat-bottomed bark?"

Troy's hope encircles then his fragile wife
In tender arms that slew a hundred men.
Her head, its colors rare as saffron, burrows
Into his breast. He tells her that she's thin,

Thinking he does aright. And so it seems,
Till late that night, she wonders if rebukes
Hid in his proffered comfort. Nervous, mad,
She breaks into the larder; gorges; pukes.

Proud Hector rises to Apollo's hooves:
The chariot trampling on the sail-like clouds
Portends a victory for all he loves.
He calls for food--but what he's brought astounds.

"I'd beat you, wife, except it wastes my strength!
No beef, no chicken, not a single egg?
Would that I could eat Helen! But, no matter.
This day shall see that twerp Achilles beg!"

Thus famished Hector took the fateful field,
His empty stomach gurgling like a baby,
And strength to match. Troy's soon consumed by flames.
Could one meal alter history? Well, maybe.


Moral:
No meat is murder.



[This message has been edited by Clay Stockton (edited June 13, 2004).]

(This is a rewrite and combination of my previous efforts. What a colossal waste of time! Alicia - how could you do this to me? I swear I'll stop now.)

Troy - Capsule Review

I thought it was a cataclysmic flop.
Brad Pitt looks nothing like him - much too short.
And why add all the Grecian stuff, but chop
A Summer Place and Parrish; then distort
the man's career, ignore Omega Cop,
Hawaiian Eye, Suzanne Pleshette; abort
all mention of Come Spy With Me, and crop
Godfather II and Surfside Six? Deport
this crap that Pitts the gold of Troy: no good,
no class, no plot, too crass, too Hollywood!!


[This message has been edited by Michael Cantor (edited June 16, 2004).]

"But Homer had no horse," the scholars said it;
so Quintus never got his rightful credit.

Robert Meyer

An Innocent Bystander

Pity the proud wooden horse
who was prodded into the scene:
being seen in this Pitt of a movie
will bar him from acting again.